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Mahone Predicts: The three biggest stories of 2009

Princess Caroline Killed!

While visiting a New York public school to ingratiate herself with the electorate by demonstrating her love for the ‘little people,’ Caroline Kennedy is kidnaped, killed, eviscerated, barbequed and eaten by a group of Haitian immigrants who believe that by consuming someone they will share their traits, i.e., in this instance, the valuable Kennedy gene.

Unfortunately, though forgiven by a public sick of the air-headed babbling Kennedy princess and eventually set free after the Supreme Court determines that they were acting under the precept of religious freedom (Voodoo), the consumers of Caroline ironically inherit the negative expressions of the vaunted Kennedy gene (such as possessed by Teddy, John John, Caroline, and many nameless venal cousins); consequently, they turn into inarticulate bloated, alcoholic assholes who have no sense of direction. Eventually, each of the attackers — as well as the several dozen grateful New Yorkers who gleefully joined them in their feast — gets lost, cannot manage to ask for directions, and dies of either diabetes, alcohol related disease, a large brain tumor, or a severe head wound.

Senator Princess Caroline

Senator Princess Caroline

Barney Frank Marriage Ends In Tragedy

Representative Barney Frank, while touring the middle East on a goodwill visit, becomes hopelessly enamored with a large Armenian penis he encounters on his visit. The love affair turns tragic after Frank and the penis are married in California.

On the morning after the honeymoon, the congressman is found on the floor of the hotel cabana, wearing lipstick and high heels and dressed in goat-skins, deceased. The coroner determines that Frank apparently consumed too much of a substance resembling Hollandaise sauce, and choked to death. Yielding to pressure from gay Americans, President Obama orders all public bathrooms in America to be draped in black for a week.

Barney Frank

Barney Frank

Pelosi Attacked At White House

While visiting the Oval Office, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is attacked by President Obama’s pit bulls and has her face viciously rendered apart. A visibly shaken President Obama, expressing deep regrets for Pelosi’s disfiguration, vows to immediately send the dogs to obedience school and volunteers public funds to bring in Greta Van Susteren’s personal plastic surgeon for Pelosi.

Former NFL quarterback, Michael Vick, who gave the dogs to the president, comments to the press assembled at the airport as he prepares to leave the country after the incident, “She-eet. I was only trying to help the prez affirm his blackness, see-wut-I’m-sayin’. Anyway, wut’s the big deal? De dawgs had their shots. And did you see dat bi-atch’s face before? Aw, fuck awl yah assholes. I’m outta here.”

Speaker Pelosi and friend

Speaker Pelosi and friend

{ 29 comments… add one }
  • John Wayne January 5, 2009, 12:36 am

    Jesus, pilgrim. Looks like Barney got his hands on your mini, Mahone.

  • Joan January 5, 2009, 1:45 pm

    As usual u show ur racist sexist self

  • Mahone January 5, 2009, 4:28 pm

    John: I’m not admitting I was the pictorial model for the Franks cartoon; however, I would say the proportions are about right.

  • Mahone January 5, 2009, 4:32 pm

    Joan: Let me see if I got this straight: a dedicated Kool-aid drinking leftist like yourself wants to defend the appointment of an unqualified, babblilng elitist bimbo like “Princess” Caroline? Why, I thought your ilk didn’t like dynastic political machines. Maybe you should consider moving to England. They’ve lots or royalty over there. Besides, “Princess” Carolilne probably shaves her legs — and bathes at least once a day. That should be enough to turn you off right there.

  • lester January 6, 2009, 10:14 pm

    u fulz talk while pink zionist pigs murder brown womyn and children in gaza, iraq, an the cities.

  • Mahone January 7, 2009, 12:21 am

    Lester. Zionist pigs? I thought the Jews hated pigs? And of course we talk. What do you expect us to do? Go over there and help them defend themselves from those Islamic dogs? They seem to be doing alright on their own. BTW, from your grammatical efforts, I see that you didn’t choose to take advantage of remedial education courses. Too bad. I guess you were too busy gang banging, playing hoops and running from the pink man.

  • GUYK January 7, 2009, 1:14 pm

    Mahone, if Teddy ever finds out where you are hiding..well, if he asks you out for a drink tell him you will drive…and don’t cross no bridges.

  • Mahone January 7, 2009, 1:45 pm

    GUYK: here’s a devil’s choice for you. Would you ratherA) go on a driving tour of the bridges of New England with Teddy, B) Go flying across the ocean with John John, or C) be locked in a room with Princess Caroline for twenty-four hours while she talks non-stop?

  • Roscoe January 7, 2009, 2:41 pm

    I’d take C – the talking would turn to moans within five minutes.

  • Mahone January 7, 2009, 2:53 pm

    Roscoe: You mean you’d start beating her?

  • Kim in Alaska January 7, 2009, 8:18 pm

    You are hysterical!

  • Mahone January 8, 2009, 2:59 pm

    Kim: Thanks. That’s exactly what my wife said on our honeymoon.

  • Kim in Alaska January 8, 2009, 4:54 pm

    You remind me of Dennis Miller on O’Reilly.

  • Mahone January 8, 2009, 4:58 pm

    Thanks, Kim. Are you married? Fool around? Never hurts to ask. Dennis Miller is great, but if you’re not already familiar with him, you should definitely check out P. J. O’Rouke. He does outrageous humor and political satire, and is at the same time factual and incisive. P.J. started as a leftist in the sixites . . . but he got better.

  • Kim in Alaska January 8, 2009, 8:58 pm

    Dennis Miller is a hoot! I about died laughing when he made the comment that Barney Frank “might like to be arrested.”

    Sometimes I’m married and sometimes I’m not….. depends on my mood! heh heh

  • Mahone January 8, 2009, 9:44 pm

    Kim: Hmmmm. If I’m ever in Alaska . . .

  • Juan Paxety January 8, 2009, 9:47 pm

    Hey, I’m not running a site to promote cross country ‘ho’dogging.

  • Mahone January 8, 2009, 10:04 pm

    Juan: Butt out bitch.

  • Kim in Alaska January 8, 2009, 10:57 pm

    Ok… wait…. I’m new to this blog…. who in the heck is Juan? Don’t laugh.

  • Kim in Alaska January 8, 2009, 10:58 pm

    “cross country ‘ho’ dogging.” Good one!

  • Juan Paxety January 8, 2009, 11:22 pm

    I’m the owner of the site and the one who, after years of effort, finally nagged Mahone into adding his work here. I’m the nice person.

  • Kim in Alaska January 8, 2009, 11:31 pm

    Oh, I see. Nice work. I’m glad I stumbled in here.

    Today is my birthday, post something funny!

  • Juan Paxety January 9, 2009, 11:24 am

    Happy Birthday – how about Gators 24, Sooners 14. That’s pretty funny around here. But you may be more amused at previous Mahone postings found at http://paxety.com/category/mahone-speaks/

  • Kim in Alaska January 14, 2009, 5:31 pm

    Did you slackers fall off the planet?! heh

  • Mahone January 14, 2009, 8:08 pm

    Kim: First, let me say that I’m proud to be a slacker . . . even though the government doesn’t see fit to “empower” my particular brand of ennui. None-the-less, even though I’ve updated from a hound dog and a porch swing to cable TV and a lounge chair, I try in my own way to uphold the fine southern tradition of doing as little as humanly possible. Besides, the south has done quite enough to this nation. We gave you Jimmy Carter, that pious nonsense-spouting asshole, and the Clintons . . . Mr. Sleaze and his pit bull, ankleless wife . . . a couple of crooked southern lawyers who’ve now taken their thieving scams from the Yankees to the world.
    Anyway, I’m busy every day playing cash poker on the internet; when not thus occupied, I’m getting ready for Chairman O’s coronation and His coming administration. To hedge against the coming madness I’m preparing to go on Ebay and trade my extensive stash of .9 millimeter jacketed hollow points for Tupac Sharkur memorabilia, salted pork products, and Texas Pete’s hot sauce — all of which will be valuble trade commodities in the future and as good as gold in the New Amerkia.

    PS, have you checked out the archives yet?

  • Kim in Alaska January 15, 2009, 12:25 am

    GAH! Where do you come up with some of that stuff?!

    I can relate to the southern tradition of doing as little as possible… I was born in San Antonio, and I’m a quarter Mexican. That said, take your best shot, I own army boots and I can kick your ass. heh heh

    Hey, when referring to Chairman O, please don’t capitalize the “H” in “Him”….. that is SO not right. Jus sayin’.

    I’ll check out the archives when I get back to work in the morning. Palin doesn’t mind if we slack sometimes….. gotta keep up the tradition.

  • Juan Paxety January 15, 2009, 10:52 am

    You’ll have a hard time kicking Mahone’s ass – he’s sitting on it.

  • GUYK January 29, 2009, 3:48 pm

    well, Mahone, you know, I don’t know about that, you know? You know don’t you…

  • Mahone January 29, 2009, 4:09 pm

    Hmmmm, I guess flying with John John would be the quickest way to end things.

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