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Mike Nifong Announces Nuptials With Duke Rape Accusor
Monday, April 16, 2007   By: Mahone Dunbar

Durham stunned

Duke case rape accuser and DA announce June wedding plans

The mystery surrounding District Attorney Mike Nifong’s tenacious prosecution of three Duke University Lacrosse players – in spite of a lack of supporting physical evidence, or collaborative support from other witnesses – cleared up a bit this weekend when the embattled D.A.  announced his impending wedding to Crystal Gail Mangum, the young lady who accused the lacrosse players of raping her.

At a press conference held in Durham, North Carolina, last Saturday, Mr. Nifong revealed to the press that he and Ms. Mangum, a student, unmarried mom, and exotic dancer, were to be wed this coming June in an outdoor ceremony featuring a theme of unicorns, daises, and pole dancing. According to a friend of Mr. Nifong’s, who wished to remain anonymous, the DA became smitten with Ms. Mangum the first time he laid eyes on her mug shot. "One look at her," the friend quoted Mr. Nifong as saying, " and I was instantly overcome with jungle fever."

When asked if he had reservations about becoming involved with someone with an extensive history of psychological problems, Mr. Nifong replied, "As far as Crystal’s emotional challenges, and her occasional dissociative behavior, I figure a little patience, a little understanding, and a steady supply of lithium should go a long way in resolving her issues with reality."

According to insiders in the Durham law enforcement community, the affair between Nifong and Ms. Mangum has been an open secret for quite some time. "I knew, I just knew," said Deborah Matherson, a secretary who works in the court house, "‘cause every time I saw Mike walking down the hall, you know, he would be whistling that Bonny Rait tune, ‘Let’s Give ‘Em Something To Talk About.’"

Other former associates of Mr. Nifong concurred. One CSI officer who worked closely with the DA’s office said, "When the DNA results came back, showing that Ms. Mangum had had sex with at least three guys in a very short span of time, with no protection and apparently little regard for personal hygiene – I mean, damn, didn't her momma teach her how to douche? – most of us in the office thought, ‘ah, there’s a hot bed of STD for you’. We were repulsed. No way I'd ever sleep with a stripper now. Jeez. Getting married, you say? I guess the operative phrase for their wedding should be ‘something borrowed, someone she blew. Hey, don't quote me on that."

Our Paxety Pages correspondent recently caught up with Mr. Nifong and managed to get a brief interview on record.


Paxety: Mr. Nifong, didn't you think it strange that Crystal Gail Mangum had made similar accusations of gang rape by white boys before, with no supporting witnesses or physical evidence, and went on to eventually drop the charges?

Nifong: Well, that can happen. According to statistics, over their lifetime, something like eight in ten black women are the victims of multiple rapes by groups of white men.

Paxety: Seriously? Where did you get those statistics? Are they reliable?

Nifong: Certainly. They were supplied to me by both Al Sharpton and The New Black Panther Party.

Paxety: So you still believe Crystal’s initial accusations?

Nifong: Well . . . she may have exaggerated a bit about the Duke case. What clued me to this was the fact that a few weeks ago, she and a friend went to the movies, to see the popular movie, 300. Immediately afterwards she called me and reported that the movie had triggered a repressed memory; she remembered once being a young Greek boy, and being raped by a few hundred muscular Greek men wearing red capes. I’ll admit, that was a little hard to swallow.

Paxety: Since your continued employment in the legal field looks cloudy, have you considered your future, how you're going to support yourself and Gail?

Nifong: Since I'm going to be looking for a new line of employment, Crystal suggested something along the lines of, what did she call it? . . . Oh, a date-facilitator. Whatever that is. She has plenty of connections from her dancing days, she says, and has the greatest confidence that I possess the necessary moral integrity to handle the job. So . . .

Paxety: So, are you worried over the impending civil suits against you?

Nifong: What?! Anybody can make a little mistake. Over the past year I've really gotten to know those dudes, know what I mean. I now feel they're essentially good boys, a little rowdy, maybe, but good boys. Why, I've come to know so much about them, and their families, I now consider those boys my friends. And friends don't sue friends. In fact, to show they're no hard feelings, I've invited several members of the Lacrosse team to act as groomsmen at the wedding. I mean, what the hey; I can expect a great bachelor party if nothing else.

Paxety: And they agreed?

Nifong: Well, I'm still waiting for their response.

Paxety: Politicians and celebrities galore have commented on the controversy of the Duke rape case, many initially supporting you in your efforts to prosecute. But now that your  job is threatened, you are under investigation by the ethics committee, and the charges against the lacrosse players have been dropped, has your support among public figures fallen off ?

Nifong: Not among those that count. In fact, just this morning Don Imus, in spite of all his personal problems, took the time to call and offer his congratulations. He wished us the best of luck, and said that Crystal was the cutest little nappy-headed ho he'd ever seen. Personally, I thought that was mighty white of him.


(c)1968- today j.e. simmons or michael warren