Paxety Pages

PPI/Atlanta

Atlanta, Georgia has been rocked recently by the deaths of two of its animal stars. Last week, officials at the Atlanta Aquarium had to euthanize Gasper, the ill-named beluga whale, after it failed to respond to treatment for a long-term illness. And this week the largest of the three whale sharks at the aquarium died mysteriously.

But the biggest shock of all came today when authorities in Atlanta announced that Mei Lan, the new baby Panda from the Atlanta Zoo, was found floating dead in the Georgia Aquarium. The baby panda's death brings to three the number of exotic animal deaths that have plagued the aquarium in the past week. Lun Lun, the baby panda’s mother, is said to be grief-stricken.

Authorities were at first perplexed as to how the baby panda got from the Atlanta Zoo to the Georgia, Aquarium, several blocks away; however, a review of security videos from the zoo showed DeMarkus Williams, a grounds-keeper at the zoo, using his keys to let Lun Lun out. Confronted with the video, Williams reluctantly admitted that he had let Lun Lun out so that they might enjoy a romantic liaison in a secluded area behind the elephant habitat. When it was pointed out that Lun Lun was underage, Williams defended his actions by saying, "Yo. You know that goes; I got me a serious jones for Oriental womens . . . besides, she was just axing for it."

The mother’s absence and the open cage door left the panda-toddler free to make it's way to the Georgia Aquarium and into the seal pool -- where stunned patrons watched in horror as the hapless, bleating baby panda was bounced from nose to nose and battered with flippers until she succumbed to exhaustion and drowned.

Contacted at the zoo by a Paxety Pages reporter, with a Chinese interpreter along to assist in the interview, the lachrymose mother panda refused all comment; then someone pointed out that pandas don't actually speak Chinese.

Lun Lun, after being examined by doctors and tested for STDs, is now in seclusion at the zoo. A zoo official who wished to remain anonymous said that since Mr. Williams has been a long-term trouble-maker who holds a grudge against management, DNA testing will be done on the body of Mei Lan to establish parentage, and – since the birth rate at the monkey habitat has been suspiciously high this year – on several other primates recently born at the zoo.

In other area news: The Varsity, the Atlanta fast food franchise famous for it’s chili-cheese dogs, hamburgers, greasy fries, and amusingly-loud order-shouting clerks, announced a super sale to introduce their latest menu item, Southern-fried Whale Sandwiches. Named The Moby Dick, and with a slogan of, "Git some south sea in yo’ mouth – you don't even have to add salt," this new item is expected to take the market by storm. The Moby Dick comes with cheese, chili, or fries; so it won't be long before Varsity patrons will be hearing the boys and girls at the registers shouting orders of "gimme’ a Dick with cheese!", or "No cheese on that Dick!", or I needs a couple o’ Chili-Dicks!" or "fry dhat Dick!"

Management notes that since this is an introductory item, supplies may be limited, or sporadic.