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Patrick Kennedy, Democrats Now Blame Accident On Bush
Monday, May 08, 2006   By: Mahone Dunbar

"Memory? I don't need no stinkin’ memory" – Representative Patrick Kennedy

Patrick Kennedy, the Mad Hatter of DC Wonderland


Paxety Pages – Mahone Dunbar

Summary of the facts

Last Thursday morning, Representative Patrick Kennedy, D-Mass., was observed driving erratically near the capitol in his 1997 Ford Mustang. It was night and he didn't have his head lights on. A patrol car blue-lighted him but he didn't stop. He finally drove head-on into a concrete barrier - almost running down a policemen in the process. The policemen at the scene reported that he was "ability impaired," i.e., he was staggering after he exited his vehicle, had red watery eyes, was slurring his speech and seemed drunk. Kennedy told them that he was on his way to attend an important vote. This puzzled them, since it was two-forty-five A.M.

After higher ranking officers arrived on the scene and took over the investigation, they declined to give Kennedy a standard sobriety test - in spite of the fact that the initial reporting officers told them they suspected him to be drunk or impaired from substance abuse. So, instead of spending the night in the drunk tank like any other citizen would, Kennedy, who like the rest of his hypocritical family gives titular support to the concept of egalitarianism, got chauffeured home in a Capitol Police car.

A spokesperson for the Capitol police, speaking on condition of anonymity, reacted to the charge that the police showed favoritism to Kennedy by saying, "So what if Patrick's a lush, a pill head, is so stupid that he doesn't know when to vote on issues, is a dangerous fool behind the wheel of a car and has spent more time in rehab clinics than Oprah has at fat farms? He’s still good enough for the people of Rhode Island. Besides, if he likes to drive around while he's bug-eyed stoned, he's just carrying on, an old family tradition."

In his initial statement to the press, Kennedy said "I consumed no alcohol prior to the incident." In spite of reports that he had been seen drinking in a local bar shortly before, and regardless of the fact that a policemen on the scene described him as staggering drunk and incoherent, his statement that he "consumed" no alcohol prior to the incident just may be true: According to reports from Kennedy insiders, the latest fad in the Kennedy family - a time-saving device pioneered by Patrick’s father, Senator Teddy Kennedy - is to stand naked in a barrel of whiskey and suck it up by osmosis.

Also, regarding the fact that Patrick was said to have appeared drunk, a spokesman for the Kennedy family said, "Of course he looks drunk! That’s the Kennedy family look. That’s how his father looks. It’s genetic; twenty or so generations of Irish drunks do have an effect on the bloodline, you know." However, Patrick Kennedy had a different explanation - a couple of them, actually. He had taken sleep medication and a prescription anti-nausea drug that can cause drowsiness.

In London, after hearing of Kennedy's explanation of his recent troubles, British pop star George Michael said, "Yeah, that’s the ticket! Me, too. Uh, when I was flashing me willy at them undercover cops, you know, crashing into parked cars, passing out in public and such, I was, uh, on sleep and anti-nausea medication. Yeah. That's it. Sleep medication. Not nose candy at all. So I feel for Kennedy. Poor bloke. Say, he's quite a looker, isn't he? I like that retro haircut. Do you know if he's flashed any policemen?"

Kennedy, who was in a rehabilitation clinic over the Christmas holidays, has now checked into the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. for treatment for addiction to prescription pain medication. Even though he reports in a statement to the Associated Press that he returned from his last rehab stay, only four months ago, "reinvigorated and healthy," he candidly admitted that in every recovery each day has its ups and downs, but that he has "been strong, focused and productive" since his return. His latter statement regarding his productivity is affirmed by reports that he has not missed a single one of the all important two-forty-five a.m. votes since his return.

Amending his initial statements about the accident, and taking a page from the Book Of Clinton, Kennedy now says that his memory has improved to the point where he is sure he doesn't remember anything - making his prior statements about the incident "inoperable."  "I simply do not remember getting out of bed, being pulled over by the police, or being cited for three driving infractions." Also, he added, "I have no knowledge of where the White Water billing records are, I didn't have sex with that woman, and whether I was drunk or not depends on what the meaning of is, is."

Asked at a press conference if he was going to resign because of his substance abuse problems, his memory problems, and the fact that his driving made him a danger to the public (this was his second accident in recent months), Kennedy said no, "I need to stay in the fight." (And he might have added, "Given my family's extreme political views, I will simply carry on my fight for the people from the rubber room of a rehab clinic; after all, the gullible voters of Rhode Island are at least as gullible as the voters of Massachusetts, so it apparently doesn't make any difference whether or not Daddy or I are stoned out our gourds most of the time.")

The congressman’s father, Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass, bloated from years of alcohol abuse and debauched living, and with a proboscis so big that it looks like a Christmas tree ornament shot through with veins, and which sometimes causes him to slur his speech and stutter, said that he is proud of his son for "admitting his problem and taking steps to correct it." The senator also assured the press that Patrick would cooperate fully with any future investigation, just as he had done with that little Chappiquiddick matter. Unfortunately, due to Patrick's claim of complete memory loss, and the fact that he got a pass on a sobriety test at the scene, his future assistance to investigators is a matter of little consequence. Other than saying he was "proud" of Patrick, who he noted was his "legitimate" son, Senator Kennedy had no further official comment on the matter. However, unaware that he was in the presence of a reporter who had a live microphone, the senator was overheard to confide to a staffer, "Uh, thank Gahd Patrick wasn't ah, near the water. People are ah, so, ah, unforgiving about boating accidents. But since Patrick is a, uh, only a bi-polar drug addict of long standing, and a drunk driver, he, uh, still has a chance at a great political career."

The Spin

Since I happened to be in Washington this week for a job interview with the CIA, Juan suggested that I stop by a popular political watering hole and see if I could pick up the vibe on Kennedy's situation. At the bar I ran into James Carville, who can usually be relied upon to give a good indication of the type of critical thinking among Democrats on important issues and controversial topics. After buying James a couple of rounds, I asked him about the current Kennedy controversy and whether or not Democrats saw Representative Kennedy as a problem. Ignoring the obnoxiously loud black woman at the bar next to us, who was tossing down one drink after another, Carville said, "Problem? I tell you what. Patrick Kennedy's not a problem. George Bush is a problem! Now he wuz a drunk driver. Still is fa' all I know. Killed about a dozen people in Texas - all cov'd up, o' course. Lot of 'em undocumented Mexicans!"

At that point, Representative Cynthia McKinney - who turned out to be the loud black woman - overheard our conversation and chimed in uninvited, "Me, the muther fucking Cap'tal Police don't recognize, but that lame-ass white boy they drive home in a po-lice car and . . . "

At that point some unfortunate drunk in the crowd accidentally jostled McKinney, causing her and her entourage to all pull out cell phones and start giving him a merciless beat down at the bar.

"You know," Carville said, slamming his empty glass on the bar top and nodding at the bartender for a refill, "it’s a down right shame that the president's administration cain’t find a little ole WMD, but they got no trouble finding some poor drunk congressman."

"Well," I said, "I'm not sure how relevant that is."

"It is painfully obvious to most thinking Americans," Carville continued, ignoring the loud pleas for mercy coming from the drunk, now on the floor being pummeled and kicked, "that George Doubya Bush bears direct responsibility for Representative Kennedy's current misfortune."

Discreetly moving away from the drunk - who had somehow managed to crawl to his knees and was trying to hide behind me and Carville for protection - and at the same time trying not to spill my drink, I said, "Oh? Enlighten me, please."

"Well, first, Bush's administration has not provided any progressive legislation to de-criminalize recreational drugs, leading to a sense of shame and degradation among America's youth, like Representative Kennedy."

"Isn't he like, forty years old or something?" I said. " Never mind. What else?"

"Tax cuts for the wealthy! That tax money could have pro-vided financial support for public school programs, like driver's education, particularly in states like Massachusetts, where Kennedy went to school. Hell, how'd he know he was supposed to turn his headlights on at night, regardless of whether they's a full moon or not, or that it wasn't proper to save on brake wear by using cement barriers to stop his car? Hell, as I unner' stand it, his po' daddy had to teach him how to drive. Also, the tax cut money could have provided for social and medical programs, like more mental health facilities - the boy is a certified loony, you know; hell, he’s lucky they didn't lobotomize his ass like they did to his poor aunt Rosemary."

"Didn't Patrick go to a private school? And regardless of that, aren't the Kennedys well enough off to have provided him with early psychiatric help, drug counseling, and even driving lessons?"

At that point, Carville became red-faced and turned away.

"I've no more time to answer any of yo' bullshit neo-con questions," he shouted over his shoulder at me. "I'm tired of the vicious Republican attacks on the little people."

Gleefully giving the drunk (who I later found out was an off-duty Capitol Hill policeman) a kick in the stomach, Carville said, "Here Cynthia, honey, let me help you with that. Say, it's almost two-forty-five a.m. Don't you need to be getting' over to the House for a vote."


(c)1968- today j.e. simmons or michael warren