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Pat Robertson & the Islamic Devil: A Look At New Islamic Products
Thursday, March 23, 2006   By: Mahone Dunbar

Islamic jeans and other trends


Pat Robertson And The Islamic Devil

Pat Robertson is a commercialized religious fanatic and a huckster, who provides a sort of a Home Shopping Network for middle-aged Bible-belters. And yet . . . the guy can't be all bad.

Last week, evangelist Pat Roberston, of "The 700 Club," announced on live TV that Islam was not a religion of peace, and that radical Muslims are "satanic." While referencing the Islamic rioting over the printing of cartoons depicting Allah, Robertson commented: " . . . These people are crazed fanatics, . . . I believe it's motivated by demonic power. It is satanic and it's time we recognize what we're dealing with." Later, hastening to respond to the media fire his comments ignited, Robertson amended his remarks by saying he was specifically referring to terrorists as being motivated by Satan.

This is to a degree understandable. Pat is deservedly gun-shy of the media. In recent months several other comments he has made have drawn the ire of the media gods. He suggested that American agents should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, and that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was the result of divine retribution for Israel pulling out of the Gaza Strip. And last November, according to reports in the media, Robertson warned residents of Dover, Pennsylvania that disaster might strike them because they voted God out of their city by ousting school board members who favored teaching intelligent design. (What Robertson actually said was "If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God. You just rejected him from your city." Hence, there was no implication that God would visit disaster on them, but rather that the Big Guy would not be available for a 911 call if disaster did strike the city. To the media, this didn't play as well as the divine retribution implication.)

Reverend Barry W. Lynn, executive director of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, said that Robertson's latest comments were "grossly irresponsible, " and that with religious tension in the world at an all-time high, Robertson had thrown gasoline on the fire.

Yes, Reverend Lynn, like the freaking Islamics aren't running hither and yon wreaking havoc like Atilla The Hun on acid already.

Defending Pat Robertson is a strange experience for me. Personally, I am a practicing Nikodorian, a belief system best described as a sort of neo-Gnostic-pseudo-Platonic-scientific-paganism. (I am both high priest and single devotee, so it’s pretty exclusive as religions go). So when it comes to fundamental religion views, Islamic, Christian, New Age, Hindu, or whatever, I don't buy it. However, there are areas of concordance I find with the Pat Robertsons of the world. For example, when Pat Robertson suggests we should slaughter Hugo Chavez, I do a quick check of my moral imperatives and find no directive that conflicts with this. Seems like a good start to me.

Some would claim that Robertson's attitude toward Chavez is unchristian. Maybe. But it's definitely not unbiblical. There is a definite biblical precedent for slaughtering the enemies of one's state. So Pat gets a pass there. Few people, outside of theological scholars and bored dilettantes such as myself, probably realize the vast disconnect between the central deity of the Old Testament, whom we'll refer to as Jehovah, and his progeny, Jesus, of New Testament fame. If one gives a dispassionate reading to the OT, he or she will find that Jehovah was a very bossy guy with a massive ego and an anger-management problem of cosmic proportions - and he believed in holding a grudge. (For example: He had the foreskins of his enemies cut off and piled up; he believed in vexing the progeny of his enemies to the seventh generation in some cases: and he used poor Job as the object in a sporting bet between himself and Satan). Then, through some process badly explained and still not quite understood (Jesus and Jehovah are one, they are father and son, they are separate yet the same, of the same substance but different spirit, yadda yadda yadda) Jehovah, the Raging Bull of the OT, mutates into some sort of peace and love proto-hippy named Jesus. And while Jesus might be expected to turn a cheek to the Usama Bin Ladens of the world, you can be assured that Jehovah would be afflicting him with boils and sending hordes of giant flaming-scorpions to pursue him into the very bowels of the earth (presumably, for some gruesome purpose like detaching him from his foreskin.)

The scary fact is, if understood objectively, Jehovah and Bin Laden would understand each other perfectly well. One destroys ones enemies without mercy. So Pat is on sound theological ground here. The difference between us and our enemies is that we in the West evolved socially and left the vendetta-type desert religions of eons past behind us. This is called the advancement of civilization. The Islamic religion, as yet untainted by social improvements, is still steeped in religious belief suited to warring tribal lords feuding over goats. Maybe our New Testament mores need to yield to the original Old Testament values. Maybe Western society needs to devolve just a bit, just enough to realize the necessity of getting our blades wet with our enemies blood. Appeasement of Islam does nothing but empower our enemies and hasten our own destruction. You don't keep feeding a dog that continues to bite you.

While our weeping nannies in the United States fret over whether or not a condemned mass murderer might feel pain from the administration of a lethal injection, our Islamic brethren are gleefully cutting heads off with dull knives. And filming it for the whole family to enjoy. While our liberal element, in their deep sensitivity to all things that fly, swim, walk or crawl the earth, lose sleep worrying that Christmas decorations or an American flag might offend someone, Islamic societies execute their citizens for the heinous act of converting to another religion.

For all his faults, Pat Robertson is surely correct about one thing: if indeed any force on earth can be described as the personification of demonic power, it is the Islamic terrorists.

Al Quds Jeans

An Italian clothing company recently came out with a new line of jeans targeted at the Muslim population. The jeans, called Al Quds jeans (Al Quds is the Arabic name for Jerusalem) are designed specifically with the religious Muslim in mind. Al Quds are tailored to make the rigorous routine of keeling five times in daily prayer more comfortable; they are baggier than regular jeans, to avoid stiffness while bending down repeatedly during prayers; the pockets are larger to accommodate the various accessories Muslims take off while worshiping; and they have green seams - since green is the color of Islam.

The president of the Islamic Cultural Institute in Milan, Abdel hamid Shaari, said that low-priced jeans designed to keep Muslims comfortable might potentially open up a huge market in Islamic countries. So far, in test markets, they seem to be living up to the promotional hype; Carrefour SA, a French retailer, sold out an initial batch of the jeans which it offered at its retail outlets in Italy.

The initial idea for the jeans was the result of Giorgio Lotta, a businessman who assessed the need for them after seeing a newspaper picture of a sea of jeans-wearing Muslims bent down in prayer. After a careful study of the market, Lotta, president of Al Quds, begin producing the jeans in a plant in Pakistan.

After the initial success of Al Quds jeans, and with the Muslim population of the world being a substantial market (approximately 1.4 billion), other manufactures were quick to bring ideas for Muslim-tailored products to the table. Among these are new products for Muslim women, including burquas in two new shades of black, and a fun summer beach burqua with a solar-powered fan built into the head piece, to cut down on those heat-related fainting spells that can be so embarrassing. Also in the works is a line of colorful T-shirts featuring slogans such as: "I visited Mecca and all I got was a hassle from Israeli security forces," "Beat my wife, please," "My other car is a camel," and "I've got seventy-two wives waiting for me in paradise - and they all look better than the one standing beside me now." And of course, there is a line of jackets for Muslim men coming out that will give a whole new meaning to the term ‘bomber jacket.’ These, made of faux Jew skin, are specially designed with handy interior pockets suited to either dynamite sticks or plastic explosive.

But perhaps the most practical product, one that will have appeal to Muslims everywhere, is in the realm of digital electronics.

My Muslim Brother: Does this sound like you?


You have to hurry to Hamburg to attend the decapitation of a Jew? Then, before the fun is over, before the Jew's screams have scarcely died away, you have to hop in your car and head to Palestine to deliver a trunk load of AK 47s to your cousins? Are you a busy terrorist always the go? CIA always at your heels? Does killing infidels for the Jihad keep you so busy you don't have time to stop and properly recite your prayers five times a day? Then you need the all new Allah-pod!*

The A-Pod is sufficient for all your daily prayer needs. You simply pre-record your daily prayers on the A-Pod, stick your mini-kneepad adhesive prayer rug on one of your knees, then put on your ear buds, scroll to the prayer you want, and hit play. Through the A-Pod’s micro speaker your joyous prayers will ascend to heaven in a familiar voice. But wait! Is the United States Army moving in on you? Hear the whistle and whine of a smart bomb descending on you with the wrath of the Great Satan? Or hear the "Ooh-rah!" of a contingent of Marines just outside your hovel? Then just whip out your A-pod and hit the fast forward button, and be sure to speed those final prayers to Allah.

The A-Pod is available in Shiite white or Sunni blue, and is endorsed by the International Muslim Council.

(* Both Allah-Pod (c) and A-Pod (c) are trademarks of Innovative Theological Products, Inc. Ear-buds and carrying case included. Mini-kneepad prayer rug with Velcro grip sold separately)


(c)1968- today j.e. simmons or michael warren