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Count Jacko, Exploding Toddlers, Dumb Barbra, & Nervous Sheep
Thursday, March 09, 2006   By: Mahone Dunbar

As one of Count Jacko’s thralls looks on in horror, Jermaine Van Helsing prepares to drive a stake through Count Jacko’s heart

The Legend Of Count Jacko


After it came to light that Jermaine Jackson was planning to write a tell-all book about brother Michael Jackson, Jacko reportedly went into a rage and threatened to throw Jermaine out of the Jackson family home and to sue him or anyone who helped him write "Legacy: Surviving the Best and the Worst."

According to the Gospel of Jermaine, among the items of interest to both Jacko’s fans and sociologists who study the roots of major family dysfunction, were the following:

  • Michael has "a thing for young children" and he feared that his younger brother was guilty of the child molestation charges he went to trial on in 2003
  • He gave details about Michael’s ‘alleged’ drug and alcohol abuse.
  • He claimed that Michael’s two older kids were conceived with the assistance of a sperm donor
  • He suggested that father Joe Jackson molested his sisters, Rebbie and LaToya when they were kids

In fairness, it must be noted that slanderous charges against family musical groups - such as drug use, promiscuous sex, incest, perversion, borrowed sperm, and child molestation - are nothing new, or unusual: virtually the same set of charges followed the Cowsills, the Osmonds, and the Manson Family clan.

Stacy Brown, who had been hired as a ghostwriter for Jermaine's project, and who co-wrote "Michael Jackson: The Man Behind the Mask" was surprised when the details of the project, scrapped two years ago, came to light. Speaking of the nixed project, Brown said that experiencing Michael going "nuts" and "ballistic," calling Jermaine a "back stabber." Jermaine "crying," and "the family going into chaos mode" was "draining and weird," and something he wouldn't won't to deal with again. Jermaine apparently caved to the pressure, particularly the threat of being thrown out of the family mansion, which Michael owns. Family members, including, in addition to Jermaine, his mother Katherine, his brother Randy, Jermaine's ex-wife, Alejandra, and her children--by both Randy and Jermaine--all live in harmony and bliss together at the estate.

It was after intense sibling pressure and heated family meetings that Jermaine withdrew from participation in the project. Brown said that he no longer considered the Jacksons his friends, and that the experience made him realize "how out of touch, unreal, unrealistic and dysfunctional" the family is, and that he "does not want to be affiliated with them anymore."

But, Paxety Pages found out just before press time, Jermaine may have found a way around brother Michael's wrath; at a recent press conference he announced that he had written and sold a fictionalized screenplay, "The Legend Of Count Jacko," (alternate title: Jermaine's Revenge) to DreamWorks Studio. The storyline has an eerie familiarity about it. The plot revolves around a rock star vampire, Count Jacko (AKA Michael The Impaler) who lives in Neverland Castle high in the hills above Los Angeles and preys exclusively on male children. The pale vampire Jacko needs the bodily fluids of young males to stop himself from fading away. Eventually, his arch nemesis, Jermaine Van Helsing (the hip hop great grandson of the original vampire fighter) tracks Count Jacko to his lair and drives a stake through his heart. (See picture at top of page)

At a the close of the press conference, Jermaine assured reporters that, "The premise of my script, "Count Jacko," is entirely fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons - who have unlimited resources and might sue me, or put me on the street - is purely coincidental."


In Other News: Barbra Streisand’s MacArthur Grant (Genius Award) Revoked!

Clearly embarrassed, a spokesperson for the MacArthur Foundation (the people who give out the "genius grants") announced that the organization was withdrawing the award Barbra Streisand received last year for her work on global warming. The reason, it seems, is that irrefutable evidence recently confirmed what many have maintained all along - Barbra is an idiot.

In a move that defines irony, all of this came to light when a recent posting on her political blog - which, among other things mocked President Bush as a C student - was found to contained 11 misspelled words. Among the complex tongue-twisting words the Diva couldn't handle, were "Irag," "curruption," "dictatoriship," "warrented" and "desperatly." (Ed note - someone appears to have corrected Miss Streisand's spelling since the original posting.)

Barbra's personal PR rep, and spinner, Dick Guttman, ascribed the "regrettable" errors to the "entity" (his words - must be from California) who transcribed Barbra's wisdom from dictated material. Maybe that's the problem right there? An entity typed the damn thing. Next time, maybe they'd better hire a human - not to mention a better PR spinner and someone to do Barbra's thinking for her.

BTW, if there are any typos or misspelled words in this article, or elsewhere in Mahone's rants, they are the fault of entity/editor, Juan Paxety, who not only didn't catch them, but had the bad sense to ask me to write a blog in the first place. Therefore, I am as innocent as Barbra.

If nothing else, at least it's good to know that the Democrat-supporting NEA (National Education Association) has done a fine job teaching the basics of spelling to someone.


The World Is Not Going To The Dogs, It’s Going To The Sheep

A Quick Round Up Of Sheep Related News

As if sheep didn't have enough problems worrying about gay-cowboy-shepherds, Muslims, and bored Alabama farm boys, now we have this.

Leroy Johnson, 52, deputy fire chief of the Mesa Fire Department in Arizona, was recently caught with his pants down . . . literally, around his ankles. Johnson was jailed on suspicion of disorderly conduct and criminal trespassing after a neighbor reported that he had discovered Johnson, unzipped, holding a young gray sheep down with one hand while holding his . . . Johnson . . . in the other.

At first, Johnson reportedly confessed, telling his neighbor, "You caught me ... I tried to (expletive) your sheep", but later denied to sheriff's deputies that anything untoward had happened.

Deputy Mark Watson, first to arrive on the scene, said, "I knew right away something was up, that he was lying, because when I got there I could plainly see he had a sheep on his face . . . Uh, I mean, a sheepish look on his face. Aw, hell."

An associate of Johnson's who asked to remain unidentified, said that the deputy chief had recently seen an episode of the HBO series "Real Sex" that explored physical relationships between animal and humans. "He seemed very impressed, got real interested in the Muslim religion after that."

"Anyway," Johnson explained later to friends as he tried to dodge responsibility for the illegal sex act, "she was just asking for it. She's unbelievably seductive for her age. I mean, did you get a look at that soft fluffy tail?" And there may be some truth to what Johnson says. The unnamed minor sheep did not want to sign a complaint against him, demonstrating that she clearly had a lingering affection for the deputy chief.

Elsewhere, in Britain, black sheep, of the nursery rhyme variety, are in trouble; they're being excluded from nursery rhymes. The folks responsible are also changing the ending of Humpty Dumpty to give him a better outcome - and this time, the yoke's on the kids.

The Family Centre (Family Center to Americans) in Sutton, Courtenay, Oxfordshire, has, in an effort to avoid making kids sad, or to feel excluded, changed the Baa Baa Black Sheep rhyme to Baa Baa Rainbow sheep. Additionally, according to Stuart Chamberlain, manager of the Centre, Humpty Dumpty is allowed to live at the end of his story - least the tikes hear the tale and demand grief counseling, which is very expensive in Britain. Worst of all, Snow White has been deprived of her seven dwarfs - since reference to any differences in persons, like height, or color, or ethnicity, be offensive. One wonders, then, if the presence of so many dwarfs on the planet is offensive to the Brits? After all, if you can't even mention them without offending . . .

Fairies and trolls shouldn't be long in getting the axe. And the story of the Three Little Pigs will definitely be considered offensive to Islamic wolves.

While I was in London recently I reached Mr. Stuart by phone and enquired if this kind of political correctness was a good idea, didn't it smack of the Chinese Cultural Revolution, or the excessive PC movement that swept over America in the last decades of the twentieth century? And wasn't such one-dimensional thinking why the Brits didn't have an empire anymore?

"Nonsense," he replied. "The children love it. In fact, they've taken to making up their own politically correct substitutions in nursery rhymes. Listen, I'll hold the phone out the window."

I then heard a dozen or so tiny voices singing, "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch an indigenous Sub Saharan by the toe . . . "

Mr. Stuart seemed so happy that I didn't have the heart to tell him that the Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep had already been taken as a negative reference to ‘gay sheep’ by the American Rainbow Movement, and that a contingent of American gays and professional protesters, led by his ex-countryman, Sir Elton John, was on its way to Britain to create a media furor over the new, offensive rhymes.

Toddler Bombs

Meanwhile, as the Brits try to indoctrinate their children with the idea that the world is a happy place - where eagles swoop from the sky to snatch up sugar-coated marshmallows and wolves and deer gleefully run through the forest laughing and playing tag with each other - a fabulous world where distinctions of any type - such as IQ, or the ability to chew with one’s mouth closed - do not exist, and where neither morality or reality intrudes, Muslims are taking a different track with the education and indoctrination of their children. 

Hamas, the terror group which now rules Palestine, has created a web site for children which preaches the moral desirability of being a suicide terrorist and contains child-friendly cartoons and stories. glorifies shaheed and martyrdom, and celebrates the death of terrorists who attack Israelis. (Ed note - the site seems to be down since all the publicity. The Google cache page is here.)

In addition to the poems, stories, and cartoons for children, Mothers of "martyrs" also contribute to the site, heaping effusive praise on their dead children whose sacrifices on behalf of Jihad are good for Islam - not to mention binging rewards to the families left behind. One "grieving" Islamic mom, whose son Naseem died as a shaheed (suicide bomber) talks about buying candy and having a party for friends after his suicide.

Candy? Cartoons. Parental praise. Public adulation. How could any child resist.

Islamic culture is not alone in believing that sacrificing children for the greater good of God is a swell thing to do. In rural India, the bloody Kali cult, whose devotees believe in human sacrifice and the killing of others for Kali’s pleasure - is alive and well. After a run of bad luck - including a husband who ran away, insurmountable debt, two lazy sons, a life of servitude in the sugarcane fields, and bad dreams - Sumitra Bushan, 43, a resident of the village of Baha, consulted a traveling tantrik holy man about how to overcome her ill fortune. His advice: she needed to sacrifice a young boy to the goddess Kali. Obediently, and with the assistance of her sons, Sumitra kidnapped a neighbor's three-year old male child, cut off his nose, and his hands, and left him to die in front of a icon of Kali. When questioned about the child's death, Sumitra's bad luck continued: her sons readily confessed. The holy man has not been seen since.

Last month, in a another village a short distance from Barha, and again on the advice of a traveling tantrik priest, another woman hacked a neighbor's three-year-old child to death on the promise of unlimited riches. A six-year-old was also recently killed under similar circumstances; in this case, the tantrik chanted mantras while the child was mutilated; afterwards, the woman bathed in the child's blood. Altogether, there have been 28 human sacrifices in western Uttar Pradesh in the last four months; as a consequence, four tantrik priests have been locked up and many others forced to flee.

But of course, as we've all learned from our liberal indoctrinations (i.e. public school education in America, Cultural Revolution in China, and PC education movements everywhere) all cultures are of exactly equal value, and judgments of other cultures and their quaint customs leads to bigotry and discrimination. Therefore, if you discover that a neighbor has been plowing through your sheep like John Holmes on meth, or if an Islamic fifth-grader gets on your child's bus and sets off his backpack bomb for the greater glory of Allah, or if you should perchance have an Indian neighbor who kidnaps your toddler, cuts him or her into pieces and then bathes in their blood, just realize that such things are merely cultural artifacts; and that you, as a typical bigoted American, are simply too prejudiced to understand these things; therefore, keep your criticism to yourself - least the Rainbow Police declare you a black sheep and remove you from the herd.

After becoming aware of the Muslim indoctrination of children suicide bombers, and the British move in the opposite direction - insulating children from anything that resembles reality - I decided to visit a Muslim facility - the Jihad Day Care Center in West London - and see first hand what a Muslim child care provider thought of the PC rainbow sheep.

I spoke to Judy Mohammad, who oversees the two and three year old room at Jihad DCC, and asked her to comment on the efforts of some of her British peers to edit nursery rhymes and make them politically correct. "Rainbow sheep," she said, "black sheep, white sheep, it does not matter; we will encourage our toddlers to blow all of them up, along with their infidel shepherd overseers. Abdullah! Take that stick of dynamite out of your nose!"

It was at this point that I realized I was surrounded by a half dozen three-year olds strapped with dynamite - toddler bombs, if you will - and decided to cut my visit short.


(c)1968- today j.e. simmons or michael warren