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Exploding Mormons And Other Religious Phenomena
Friday, March 03, 2006   By: Mahone Dunbar

The Mormon's Efforts To Save Islamics From Themselves

An artist’s representation of Rex Bubba at the moment of his enlightenment. 
The Holy Spirit in the form of a duck hovers over his head.

Exploding Mormons & Other Religious Phenomena

The Mormons Efforts To Save Islamics From Themselves

The Mormons - The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints - are known worldwide for the strong promulgation of their religion. In nearly every country of the world, the neatly dressed elders can be seen wheeling their bikes to mansions, homes, apartments complexes, shacks, hovels, and trailer parks in their diligent efforts to spread the word.

But this is not so everywhere.

Since proselytizing any type of Christian doctrine in an Islamic country tends to make the Arabs very, very angry, the members of the LDS have a poor record of conversion in this domain. After all, it is hard to debate scripture when you are missing your head, or turn the pages of your Doctrines and Covenants when you have been blown into a dozen bloody chunks. Sufficient to say, the Arabs are not keen on theological debate.

Fortunately, however, LDS doctrine provides a way around this obstacle. Their religion provides a second chance for non-believers once they are dead. After death, all those not of the true faith, (i.e., those who do not practice the doctrine of God as presented to Prophet Joseph Smith) go not to heaven or hell, but to reside in a place called ‘spirit prison.’

As Elder Mark Wayans, press liaison for the Salt Lake City Temple, explained it, "Spirit prison is a sort of spiritual Abu Ghraib - uh, but without all the sexual humiliation and nude pictures; on second thought, it’s more of a GITMO for the soul."

"We have two major functions at the temple. One, to seal couples in eternal marriage; two, to convert the lost souls of those who have departed this plane of existence. Those who did not embrace the true faith in life, or pricked the wrong religion, are given a second chance to see the light. While they are in spiritual prison the doctrines of the LDS are presented to them, and prayer for their conversion is received on their behalf; in addition, someone can undergo a proxy baptism for them."

"All lost souls come to spiritual prison and receive a second chance. Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, and Stalin, for example, have all seen the light and embraced the doctrine of the LDS. Mao, on the other hand, has proven to be intransigent, which is a bit worrisome to our Oriental salvation team. But Joseph - that's Hitler's new spiritual name - has actually joined the priesthood of Melchizedek and has dedicated his existence to staying in spirit prison to work on behalf of the salvation of lost souls by presenting them with Mormon doctrine. His efforts have been especially effective when he works on behalf of the many lost sheep of the Islamic fold who have crossed over.

"Believe me," Wayans added, "the Islamics keep our posthumous prayer teams plenty busy. Since the Islamic fanatics represent the Hordes of Abbadon spoken of in the Book of Revelation, it is particularly important that we convert them. In fact, we had to divert half of our Hope for Hebrews prayer group to working on Islamic suicide bombers. It is a pressing need, as their ill-fated souls are filling up spiritual prison. Most are very confused at first, expecting the virgins and everything, and then having LDS doctrine preached to them by Hitler and Pol Pot. A lot of them are just relived not to have been met by Moses."

"The opportunities for salvation are many," Elder Wayans concluded, "and we all remain excited about the future; in fact, Joseph Ben Hitler says he can't wait to try his hand at converting Usama Bin Laden."

The emphasis the Mormons place on the post-life salvation of the lost sheep of the Islamic fold is due to the affinity many Mormons feel for certain aspects of Islam. Below is a handy list of similarities and differences between the two religions, as complied by LDS scholars. By reference to these, one can readily differentiate between the adherents of each belief system.


Similarities Between The Latter Day Saints And Islam

The Mormons:

1.    Possess fundamentalist religious principles

2.    Believe in having multiple wives

3.    Have a fanatical adherence to doctrine

4.    Their leaders seek political control and have employed violence to that end

5.    Emphasize purity of body and modest dress

The Islamics:

1.    Possess fundamentalist religious principles

2.    Believe in having multiple wives

3.    Have a fanatical adherence to doctrine

4.    Their leaders seek political control and have employed violence to that end

5.    Emphasize purity of body and modest dress

Major Differences Between The Latter Day Saints And Islam

The Mormons:

1.    Joseph Smith their prophet

2.    Read The Book Of Mormon

3.    Wear clean shirts and ties, and are neatly groomed

4.    Perversely polite

5.    Many followers are named after saints, like John, Mark and Paul

6.    If you don't join up, they bother you forever and pray that your soul will go to heaven

7.    Adherents are generally squeaky clean

The Islamics:

1.    Mohammed their prophet

2.    Read the Koran

3.    Wear turbans, and appear to have been groomed by Abdullah the Blind

4.    Tend to foam at the mouth

5.    Most followers are named after Mohammed

6.    If you don't join up, they kill you, and their soul goes to heaven

7.    Adherents generally smell like goats

And as if all this is not enough, the Islamics in Europe, in their continued efforts to wreak havoc and kill infidels, have recently taken a page from the Mormon book. Aware of the Mormon's efforts to subvert their religion after they die, Islamic fanatics have been waging a terrorism campaign specifically designed to discourage the spread of Mormonism in France, Belgium, and Spain, where Islam has made giant strides in recent years.

The following scenario is designed to make Christian and Jewish people aware of an increasing problem - and to be careful who they open their doors to.

A homeowner hears a knock. He or she opens the door to find two neatly dressed, tie-wearing young men on the porch. Both are smiling. Bicycles are parked in the driveway. They are wearing name tags. One is holding a bible, the other seems to have several sticks of dynamite sticking out of his belt and is holding a small battery-powered mechanism in his hand.

Homeowner: "Uh, hello. May I help you?"

Mormons: "Hello. I am Elder Botzworth and this is Elder McDoogle. We are from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The Mormons. May we come in and talk to you about the Koran, uh, I mean the Book Of Mormon?"

Homeowner: "Come in? I'm sorry, no. I'm in the middle of vacuuming the floor and . . . "

Elder Botzworth: "PRAISE ALLAH!"



The Advent Of Rex Bubba Announced

In other religious news, pamphlets have been making the rounds in southern Alabama proclaiming the advent of a new religion based on the revelations of Prophet John Wayne Buford, Junior. Though Buford has to date only picked up a few devotees, and the religion has a rather specific appeal, who knows: the worship of Rex Bubba (see picture at top of page) just may one day spread and supplant both Islam and Mormonism. So, for you theological scholars and historians out there, here are the tenets of Rex Bubba.

Behold, I am the prophet John Wayne Buford, Junior, and I bring you the Revelations Of Rex Bubba. While upon the Isle of Hilton Head, South Carolina, running my delivery truck route, an angelic host accompanied by a profusion of blue lights and screaming sirens, descended upon me. After initiating me with strange rites, such as walking the holy line and reciting the sacred alphabet, I was thence taken to a place of meditation to reflect on the sorrows of the world. And as I lay in my cell, I became aware of the presence of another; I was not alone.

In the dark, I realized that a huge creature lay on the bunk before me, like unto a beast with seven heads, except six of them turned out to be just folds in the bed cover. He became aware of me, sat up in his cot, the moonlight reflecting off his shades, and spoke with a voice of raspy thunder. And as he spoke, the prison tats on his arm seemed to move, and vision after vision appeared before my eyes. Here are the words he inscribed on my heart. There were originally twelve commandants of Rex Bubba, but the demon of liquor stole one of them from me before dawn - but I don't think it was an important one; hence, here are the Eleven Commandants of Rex Bubba.

1.    Thou of the faith shalt have a double-wide trailer, a propane gas hook up, and not more than four dogs chained in thy yard Thou shall drive an American pickup truck - if a Harley is not available. No heathen wheels shall thou ride.

2.    The Lord Bubba commands you carry a gun on thy person at all times. More than one, whenever possible

3.    Thou sacred food shall be the chicken and the potato, fried deeply, and deer of the forest. The latter shall be slain by a weapon in thy own hands: Deer that is slain by the wheel shall thy not eat, for its flesh is tainted, perhaps run over by a foreign vehicle. If you have knowledge that it was not slain by a foreign vehicle, thou mayest throw it in the bed of thy pick up and consume it at will

4.    If thy sister or first-cousin is a comely beauty, thou shall come upon her and cover her in the manner that Adam did of Eve, and thusly make more in Bubba's image.

5.    If, after the age of five years, thou children do not look sufficiently like thou, you may take them outside the city limit sign and slay them with a ball peen hammer. If the brood is killed because of your suspicions that they are not of your loins, you may then divorce their mother by punching her in the face fives times, after which you will be free to marry her younger sister, or your younger sister, as is your preference.

6.    Thou may not converse with the liberal, save to excoriate and harangue them, for they are of the devil. Thou may punch them freely, for their squeals are a delight unto Lord Bubba

7.    Central governments, if they are more than six gunshot lengths away from thy abode, are to be disdained and not obeyed.

8.    Thou shall throw nothing away. The husks of major appliances, wheel-less cars, and busted TV sets and such shall adorn thy abode as a tribute to the goodness that the Lord hath provided for thee in the past and as a sign that he will provide for you again.

9.    As sacrament, thou shall anoint thy self with beer, whiskey and wine, smoke herb, dance, sing, make merry with women, and party from sundown on Saturday until the rising of the sun on Sunday--after which thou may lay about the rest of the week

10.    The vestments of the priest who delivers the sacrament shall be of the finest cotton T-shirts and tank tops; a ball cap shall cover thy head in sanctity. Thus arrayed shall the priest perform the rights of Lord Bubba

11.    Seek ye Lord Bubba in the pool halls, at the monster truck rally, at the barroom, at the football field, and elsewhere where the children of Lord Bubba gather.

He ordered me thence to go forth, when my jail time was done and my probation over, and open my tongue to the peoples of the world. The next morning when dawn broke, I awoke from my divine stupor to find Rex Bubba was gone from his place of repose. But he had inscribed his words upon my heart, and I herewith pass them to you.


(c)1968- today j.e. simmons or michael warren