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Hunting With Dick - Updated
Tuesday, February 14, 2006   By: Mahone Dunbar

A hunting trip many would like to see - and a look to the future

Services Announced For Dick Whittington
Lawyer Involved In Controversial Shooting In 2006

Austin Times, February 2022

The family of Dick Whittington, 96, a retired lawyer from Austin, Texas, announced that memorial services would be held at twelve o'clock Friday afternoon at the First Christian Church on Lamont Avenue in Austin.

Mr. Whittington received national attention when he was involved in an alleged ‘shooting incident’ with former Vice President Dick Cheny in 2006. When asked if the effects of the shooting lingered, possibly leading to Mr. Whittington’s decline in health and subsequent death, Martha Whittington Boyd, a niece of Mr. Whittington's said, "Well, since the incident he did have a cold nearly every winter, and there were some coughing bouts. Oh, and on doctor’s recommendation he had to give up jet-skiing completely after he turned eighty."

As the news of Mr. Whittington’s death made the rounds this morning, reactions from political figures–particularly those in the opposition party--were quick in coming.

Former President, and one-time personal advisor to Great Leader Kim Jung II, Jimmy Carter - the man many consider the moral soul of the Democrat party - who generally stays at his palatial retirement estate and dog farm in  P'yongyang , North Korea, was reached at Reykjavik, Iceland where he was on hand to receive the annual United Nations Pol Pot Human Rights award.

Frowning severely, and enhancing the many character lines in his face, Mr. Carter said, "As I was just saying to Rosalynn the other day, after our morning bible reading, Dick Whittington was clearly the victim of an attempted political assassination, pure and simple. Everyone knows he was considering changing his party affiliation from republican to democrat. The conspiracy involved the highest level of our government. There are, I'm sure, oil-stained hands behind this somewhere. But even though Whittington was a deluded and vile capitalist pig, not to mention a lawyer, his death diminishes us all."

Reached at the JFK Memorial Care And Retirement Facility on Martha's Vineyard, former senator Ted Kennedy offered his own unique perspective on the Cheny shooting affair. "Yes, er, Dick Cheny. Ah, er, I remember the ah, culture of corruption that the uh, er, ah . . . . republicans . . . yes. Republicans that . . . Mary Joe! Quick. Jump. The ah, culture of, er. . . Hold on! I'll be back! I just have to, er, swim back to the mainland, go to my ah, hotel room, take a shower, er, call my lawyer, and maybe ah, a quick nap - so, ah,  just hold your breath until I return . . . where’s the scotch? Ring the bell for the nursy. Teddy wants a drink. Teddy wants a drink. . . . "

Many right-wingers and neo-cons have long maintained that the shooting incident was nothing but media hype, and claimed that the media, too terrified to confront Islam by printing insulting cartoons and embarrassed at their own cowardliness and hypocrisy, were simply trying to direct attention elsewhere by hyping the events surrounding the shooting. "No matter when Mr. Whittington died," said Neal Codiar, spokesman for the Republican Party, who wore a moustache not un-similar to Hitler’s, "the bias leftist media was going to call the death premature and lay it at Dick Cheny’s feet."

Though not agreeing with Mr. Codiar’s charges, a source at UPI, who asked to remain anonymous, did admit that for the last four years UPI had secretly stationed a correspondent at the retirement home where Mr. Whittington resided.

Mr. Codiar also expounded on the version of the shooting incident that conservatives have accepted for years as the definitive one. "The truth is, Mr. Whittington was squatting in the bushes, performing a natural function. His actions apparently disturbed a nest of ground wasps. One stung him in a sensitive place, causing him to jump up from the bush suddenly, flapping his arms trying to drive the others away. This made him appear, however briefly, like a huge quail freshly flushed from the bushes. Mr. Cheny’s well-honed hunting instincts took over then, as you can well imagine."

Former DNC, Chairman, Howard Dean, who still claims to represent ‘the centrist view’ of the party, was less generous with his comments, and hinted of Cheny’s possible complicity in a conspiracy. "Face facts. The two were in an isolated field, with guns, and witnesses. Now, if that’s not a duel, and something you would expect from a right-winger like Cheny, I don't know what is. I understand that Bush monitored the whole thing from the White House. And is this the kind of lawless gun-toting society we want? Where people can go out willy-nilly and shoot lawyers? What next? Bagging their quota of Doctors? Cheny was the Bush administration’s own weapon of mass destruction. I don't think this was the first time he'd shot someone. We just don't know where all the other bodies are buried yet. You can read the details on Better yet, watch the Michael Moore documentary, A Hunting We Will Go. It definitively proves why Cheny, the coward, is still in hiding. If you media guys want the truth, go and confront Cheny, if you can find him."

When finally run to ground by the media, Cheny, who it turned out had been dead for the past decade, had no comment.


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