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Night Of The Living Condi
Friday, October 28, 2005   By: Mahone Dunbar

Unveiling The Great Satan’s Demonic Secretary Of State

Unveiling The Great Satan’s Demonic Secretary Of State


PPI–Mahone Dunbar

Early this week USA Today online got caught with its politically-biased pants down around its ankles while being metaphorically fellatiated by . . . Hillary Clinton? Well, to put it another way, their bias was hanging out of their pants in an obvious manner.

As reported in both the Drudge Report and Michelle Malkin’s blog, the USA Today site recently featured a picture of Condoleezza Rice with a set of eyes so scary they would even make a child-molesting priest believe in demons

A heads-up blogger - the bane of the once supreme liberal media - did some quick research and found the original of the picture showing the Secretary of State as her normal, attractive self.

So, wuz up wid dhat?

Demon Condi

Real Condi

Contacted by numerous members of the outraged public, USA Today began furiously spinning the blotch up. I contacted USA Today and got the following spin-planation from Kinsey Wilson:, like other news organizations, often adjusts photos for sharpness and brightness to optimize their appearance when published online. In this case, a newly hired editor sharpened the photo and then brightened a portion of Rice's face. Those changes had the effect of inadvertently distorting the photo . .. .

This explanation - in addition to the fact that it can be proven untrue by anyone with an infantile ability with a graphics program - suffers from the iceberg-hole-sized fact that Condi’s pupils have been changed from semi-circular to triangular! Triangular eyeballs are a common trait of cats, demons, snakes and zombies. Photo-sharpening tools don't usually do that, nor does merely brightening the picture. Personally, for spin, I would have said, "What? You took that seriously? It was a Halloween joke!" and "We're not biased against Republicans. Hey, wait till you see our picture of John Kerry-as-Frankenstein!"

Or, they could have taken the James Carville approach (never back down, a deficit is actually a plus): "Course she looks like a demon. That's 'cause she IS a demon. George Bush is a demon. Who else's he gonna have working for him? Evr'body knows Dick Cheny crawled out from under a rock. . . . (incoherent muttering)."

Somewhat dissatisfied, and disappointed, with USA Today's spin, I put in a call to their photo-editing department and spoke with someone who agreed to talk to me if I maintained their anonymity. For the purpose of this interview, we will call her Tim.

Paxety: Tim, don't you agree this type of photo modification is an expression of political bias by USA Today?

Tim: Not at all. We were merely enhancing the pictures to make them more interesting, more esthetic. In fact, in an effort to show her in the best light, we had prepared several variations of Ms. Rice's picture.

Paxety: Oh, yeah? Could you download those to me?

Tim: Sure. Give me your email. Okay. Hold on a minute.

Paxety: Wow. She looks like a zombie - the circles under the eyes, the pupils rolled up in her head. This is obviously an attempt to show her in a unflattering way.

Tim: Are you serious? I'm hurt. I merely enhanced her mascara a bit, to bring out the various tones in her skin. And the eyes? The pupils are looking upward. I call that a spiritual gaze. Personally, I think it’s a very flattering shot. I'm a trained artist. I know what looks good. In fact, this is the one I wanted to use. But I was over ruled.

Paxety: Well–maybe that’s debatable, as a matter of personal esthetics; but this second shot clearly shows that USA Today was trying to manipulate her image and represent her as a demon.

Tim: This is a little impressionistic, I'll admit. The red in the pupils represents the fire in her soul. The yellow eyeballs harmonize well with her African-American skin.

Paxety: Well . . . how about the fangs?

Tim: Fangs? I don't see any fangs.

Paxety: The little white teeth protruding from her lips.

Tim: Oh! That. Those are merely white highlights, a little bi-lateral sheen I added to de-emphasize the lips. African-American lips tend to be perceived as big, and that detracts from the overall proportions of her face.

Paxety: And in this picture she looks normal to you?

Tim: Oh, yeah. Completely.

Paxety: Hmm. May I ask, What did you do before you came to work for USA Today?

Tim: I was in the movie business. I worked as a graphic artist for George Romero, doing story boards. Why do you ask?


(c)1968- today j.e. simmons or michael warren