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Charlie And The Chump Factory
Friday, July 15, 2005   By: Mahone Le' Dumont

Something to think about before letting your kids go to another Johnny Depp movie.

Something to think about before letting your kids go to another Johnny Depp movie.

I used to enjoy Johnny Depp's movies. "Ed Wood" is one of my favorites. But I purchased that movie prior to finding out how Depp really felt about America, and what kind of a loud-mouthed idiot he really is. The reason I mention this is because Depp's new movie, "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory," opens this weekend. Anyone who has sons or daughters, nieces or nephews, foster-children, or wards - and appreciates America - should consider not patronizing this ungrateful creep and further financing his opulent lifestyle and empowering the platform of celebrity from which he disparages America. In a word, Depp has publicly stated that Americans are stupid, dangerous, and - here's the worst - less sophisticated than the French! That last one is the real insult.

I don't expect a big boycott or anything, but if one person reads Depp's remarks and then refuses to buy a ticket to "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory" then it's a moral victory, of sorts. That’s something even the French can understand, being that's about the only kind of victory they've ever had. And the French are drug into this because Depp, who openly disdains America, has said that he prefers to raise his children in France.

Here is a brief look at the deep thoughts of Johnny Depp.

Apparently working under the principle that "half a thought is better than none," Depp has been quoted as saying he is shocked by the gun violence in American schools and feels it is far safer raising a family in France. (Unless the Germans decide to attack again, I suppose). Here we have another almost miraculous example of moral blindness from a Hollywood elite. He is worried about the climate in America that promotes gun violence? Here is a fun game for anyone who has seen the canon of Depp movies: in how many of these did he use a gun? This is a good time to gather the kids around the kitchen table and explain hypocrisy to them by using this quote as an example of one’s actions being in direct odds with their stated moral position on a subject. It is also a good time to explain recent history and reality to the kids by explaining that in WWII if the French had had their own guns in sufficient number, and the will to use them, then tens of thousands of American lives could have been spared in fighting and dying for them. If it is safer living in France, Depp might have added, it is because Americans, with guns, kicked Nazi ass and threw them out of France. But you certainly can not blame Depp for not knowing that; he was the recipient of an American public school education. Or perhaps his message is, while gun violence is associated with Americans is bad, it is okay to depict the use of guns and violence for entertainment and making money. That's different: About as different as saying that while it is bad to rape children, it is okay to make child porn movies, because, hey, everyone knows films don't influence behavior. Right?

So perhaps Depp might want to amend his statement to: I am shocked by the gun violence in America and feel is it safer raising a family in France - unless the Germans decide to attack it again.

Depp also told Stern Magazine about his thoughts about America as we entered the second Iraq war: "That was so revealing, that grown men sat around and came up with that idea, talking about freedom fries. It was tragic and embarrassing. At the same time, I was happy it was exposed, and people knew that a bunch of congressmen - big people, the upper-drawer people - made that decision."

I had no idea that persons in the United States government had anything to do with the movement to change the name of French Fries. Maybe it was Karl Rove.

Another Deppism, also quoted in Stern Magazine, is: "My daughter is four, my boy is one. I'd like them to see America as a toy, a broken toy. Investigate it a little, check it out, get this feeling and then get out." This defies my satirical ability. On the other hand, I might suggest good evidence that America may indeed be broken is that it has produced such pampered ungrateful whelps as Depp - who can spend $18,000 on a bottle of wine, retire from his native country that enriched him, and then cast stones at it from the safety of spineless France.

For the record, Depp says that his remarks vis a vi America, were misquoted. He told Vanity Magazine that "I would never insult the American people. I used the metaphor of a puppy dog, but I never said ignorant puppy dog." He had a movie, "Pirates Of The Caribbean" coming out at the time of the interview. And, to be precise, he didn't say the American people were ignorant as a puppy; he compared America to dumb puppy dog. His exact quote was: "America is dumb, it's like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can bite and hurt you, aggressive .. . ." Personally, I fail to see a deep semantic distinction here. Of course, that depends on what the meaning of is, is, I guess. In his defense, he also maintained that he said of America, " . . . it's a very young country compared to old Europe, or Asia." A valid defense coming from someone who made his bones exploiting the youth culture.

All of this is just something to consider before dragging Johnny and Susie, or Shameka and Kalil, out to the theater and spending big bucks to further line Depp's pockets. My suggestion: go to Blockbuster's and rent the original "Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory," starring Gene Wilder; unless of course you are afraid that without your money poor Johnny Depp, the ungrateful American-hating dog, will not be able to afford more $18,000 dollar bottles of wine.


(c)1968- today j.e. simmons or michael warren