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Moore Breaking News
Monday, January 24, 2005   By: Mahone Dunbar

Embarrassed geneticists at the Agricultural College of Michigan, in Dearborn, scrambled to explain the accompanying photograph, taken by a student at ACM. The photograph, of one of the swine in ACM's controlled-breeding program, shows a swine with what appears to be an almost human-looking face.

"Jesus H. Christ! That thing gives me the creeps," one un-named source who works with the breeding program said. "All day long it shuffles from place to place, preening, snorting and grunting, almost like it's trying to say something."

ACM's swine-breeding program has been on the front line of controversy before. In 2001 it was revealed that ACM's swine, in a cost-cutting effort, were fed exclusively on food scraps that were donated by the local fast food industry. This was attacked as being unhealthy for and cruel to the swine by PETA. In 2004 rumors surfaced that, in an effort to produce a swine whose organs would be compatible with human tissue and thus usable in organ transplants, human sperm donations were being used for inseminating the swine. This led former ACM Program Administrator Milton Smith to declare, in an unguarded moment that was captured on camera, that the charges were groundless and that "In spite of the rumors being tossed about, we at ACM are not a bunch of pig F***ers!"

When confronted with the picture involved in its most recent controversy, Usef Porlando, acting Program Administrator, said: "Yeah, sure. The snout looks a little funny. And I'll admit it bears some resemblance to a human face; but this is clearly a pig. Anybody can see that. Besides, it eats like a pig, it thinks like a pig, and all the other pigs accept it as one of their own." The glasses, Porlando added, were apparently some student's idea of a prank.


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