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Predictions 2005
Friday, December 31, 2004   By: Mahone Dunbar

The year ahead

In another first from Paxety Pages, we have consulted well-known psychic Lehamic Renwar.  Lehamic, fresh from incarceration (after a minor disagreement with authorities about what exactly constitutes sex with a minor--his defense was that the International Date Line had to be taken into consideration), graciously revealed to us what some of the choice headlines will be for 2005.  At a local watering hole, after an early afternoon celebratory fest over his release, Lehamic went into a brief trance--face first into the maraschino cherries and mixed nuts on the bar--then came to long enough to hurriedly spew out the visions before embracing the bar top once again as he returned to the Psychic Netherlands of time and space. 

"Depressed Castro Seeking US Funds To Help Finance Sex Change." 

"The Shameful Truth About Bill Clinton and Condaleesa Rice's two-headed  bi-racial love child" 

 "Hillary Proclaims On Oprah Show: 'In spite of what my right-wing critics say, I just want to be loved.  I have the same basic needs as any other woman who wants to subjugate men and dominate the world.'"

"Aliens Leaving Earth After Revealing To Barbra Striesand That They Are Disgusted That President Bush Won't Sign Kyoto Treaty."

"Former President Kennedy Speaks From Grave At Séance and Pleads With Teddy To Either Seek Professional Help For His Alcoholism Or Change His Last Name."

"Dick Cheney Sought CIA's Help In Making Democrat's Seem Unbelievably Stupid During 04 Campaign: 'Couldn't be an accident', I mean, come on; nobody could be that stupid,' James Carvill Proclaims." 

"After being Canonized As A Genius By French Government, Michael Moore Celebrates By Purchasing His Own McDonald's Franchise."

"'Oswald And I Are Now The Best Of Friends.  We laugh all the time about the wacky conspiracy theories.' JFK as quoted by psychic John Edward."

"Washington Speech Therapist reveals: George W. Bush Has Perfect Enunciation And Diction; The Babbling Was just A Put-On Designed To Engender Sympathy And Win The Vote Of Both The Disabled And Special Education Teachers."

"New Fads Among Hollywood Stars As Islam-o-mania Sweeps Tinsel Town, Include Wearing Burkas, Goat Herding, And Making That Weird Yodeling Sound In The Backs Of Their Throats."


(c)1968- today j.e. simmons or michael warren