Paxety Pages

Now Investors Business Daily reports that Iran has been at work in the Americas for about two decades - specifically in Argentina.  In the early 90's Iran and Hizbollah made several bombing attacks in Argentina that killed Jews. Now IBD reports the bombings had a second purpose.

Indeed, the bombings of the early 1990s had what suspense sleuths like to call an "ulterior motive" — to send a message to Argentina that its refusal to help Iran build nuclear weapons would be dealt with severely.

Tehran's Argentine terror bombings began in 1992 with an attack on the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires that killed 29. Two years later, its agents bombed the city's AMIA Jewish community center, killing another 85.

According to Argentine prosecutor Alberto Nisman, who has stayed with the case while the rest of the world has forgotten it, the attacks were "ordered, planned and financed" by Iran's top leaders — including its ex-president, the "moderate" Hashemi Rafsanjani.

Nisman told the Jerusalem Post that the AMIA bombing "had been commissioned at a meeting held in Mashad in August 1993, attended by then-president Rafsanjani, then-intelligence minister Ali Fallahian and other Iranian ministers and military leaders."

Iran is big trouble.  I hope someone in our government is watching.

You children missed out on Richard Nixon: He was Halloween personified. An unctuous creepy figure who had not a shred of the genuine in him and yet, say what you will about him, Richard Nixon was never in favor of torture. He never strutted on a stage and said, "If I knew that America was in imminent danger of being attacked by a million rabid fruit bats and that one particular horrible evil person was in possession of secret info about that attack, I would not hesitate for one moment to drive red-hot needles under that person's fingernails" - that sort of thing did not pass for political discourse back in Nixon's day. But times have changed.

In Keillor’s world, a major terrorist attack is analogous to a plague of bats. Fine. At least it's official: for the Gratingest Generation ( a term I will now drop, lest it, well, grate) the Current Occupant is worse than Nixon, which lends a terrible immediacy to their current lives, and also brings back the heady days when the entire world, from the Smothers Brothers to Doonesbury, was on their side.

There's one big trouble with Lileks analysis. He calls Keillor a Boomer.

Garrison Keillor, according to IMDB, was born August 7, 1942.  The Baby Boom generation began after World War Two - most now settle on January 1, 1946 at the date the generation began.  Thus, by definition, Garrison Keillor is not a member.

Lilek's mistake has become very common - to call folks boomers who are not.  The generation that fell between the Greatest Generation and the Boomers is so undistinguished, it does not have a name. These are the folks who were children during the War - born too late to fight but before the war's end.  It's the generation of whiners and losers and most of the hippies, and, unfortunately, far too many of these folks are identified incorrectly. Well known members besides Keillor include Abbie Hoffman (1936), Janis Joplin (1943), Jimi Hendrix (1942), John McCain (1936), Trent Lott (1941), John Kerry (1943), and Lee Harvey Oswald (1939).  I've chosen to call the generation The Oswald Generation, after it's most famous member.

Don't confuse this bunch with boomers.

Re: Query Letter & submission follow-up/Story synopsis

Edward Calsutta/agent
Plethora Literary Agency, Ltd.
133 E. 35th St., Suite 14
New York, NY 10016

Dear Mr. Calsutta:

While other writers might have been offended at the somewhat candid – some might even say brutal – manner in which you responded to my prior submission ("The Ordeal From Beyond Space"), I want to assure you that I am professional enough to take criticism in stride. As Mr. Pennyworth, my high school English teacher, always said, "Critiques are the fertilizer of literary growth." Hence, your observation that my writing was "stylistically decades out of date and shockingly out of tune with modern mores and values," "unwelcome and unneeded Philip K. Dickian retro-boredom," "a mishmash of muddled metaphors seemingly pulled from the fetid bowels of a 1950 B science fiction corpse," etc. etc. etc., was taken in stride. As well, your suggestion that I should ‘check the pulse of modern reality’ did not go unheeded. Specifically, your advice that I ground myself in what’s really going on in the public mind by monitoring "Coast To Coast AM, with George Noory."

In the intervening six weeks since our last correspondence, I’ve taken your advice to heart and have now plotted out another novel that has, I think, both a credible plot and a contemporaneous pulse.

The following pages contain a short synopsis of the new science fiction novel I intend to write, titled "The Sky Is A Lonely Place." Since I intend for "Sky" to be primarily a character-driven novel, the synopsis addresses character and plot, and is short on flora and fauna. The setting is contemporary American society, hence unremarkable and self-explanatory.

Thank you and Plethora Literary Agency once again for taking the time to evaluate my work and consider me for representation.

Cordially,

Jeffery Richards

The Sky Is A Lonely Place/Synopsis J. Richards

Setting: today, the United States

Primary Characters:

• Roger Johnson: the protagonist. A part time high school teacher and political activist
• Pegye Albright: free-spirited pottery artist and sometime companion of Roger
• Hammed Mohammad: urban freedom fighter from Palestine
• Sandy: Desert Bigfoot, from Arizona
• Edward (Eddie) Benelli: a homeless Iraq veteran who has emotional issues that cause him to be deeply conflicted about violence

Style Note: To give the story a ‘slice-of-real-life’ feel, I’ve used the real names of public figures whenever possible. The action is bifurcated at the end and flashback style is used to flush out character relationships and back story.

The Sky Is A Lonely Place

The story opens with ROGER (primary POV) in Washington, where he and other concerned progressive citizens from the PTU (Part-time Teacher's Union) are taking part in a monthly peace march in front of the Lincoln Memorial. When Roger returns home to Atlanta, he finds that PEGYE, his companion, is missing, and that none of her friends seem to have a clue as to where she may be. Saddened, but not upset – he has contemporary values and realizes that he doesn't own Pegye – Roger assumes that for some reason Pegye has reverted to her old ways; prior to their relationship, Pegye had a deeply meaningful and satisfying lesbian relationship in college. Unfortunately for her, the relationship was broken up when her partner, Lt. Shamiah Dainbridge, an officer in the Marine Corps Reserves, shipped out to Iraq, where she was eventually killed by her own troops (composed of high school drop outs and mental throwbacks, the lot of ‘em) who evidently did not respond well to taking orders from a capable woman in a position of authority.

After Lt. Dainbridge's death Pegye is disheartened. Distrustful of other women, whom she fears might also abandon her by dying, and with her emotions inflamed, a desperate and confused Pegye turns to heterosexuality. After she meets Roger at a vegan pottery fair, they decide to become temporary life-partners. For the first week Roger is not worried about Pegye's disappearance, since she is a strong and independent woman who is perfectly capable of making her own life decisions without male input; however, when he finds out that she left without taking her collection of faux Hopi pottery with her, he becomes somewhat concerned.

That night, while listening to "Coast To Coast Am, with George Noory," which Roger assiduously tunes to in an effort to skirt standard media propaganda and get an unfettered perspective on world events, he learns that more than three-dozen blondes from their area disappeared around the same time as Pegye! One caller, from the mid-west, reports that recently she saw a railroad cattle car pass near her isolated home, and that by the light of the full moon she could see that the cattle car was filled with blonde women! The train was headed to Arizona along an abandoned portion of track once used for transporting cattle. Rightfully worried, Roger consults a psychic friend, Bredennai, who promptly goes into a trance and is possessed by Fluffy -- her cat-spirit-guide -- and, amid much mewing, hissing, and frantic grooming, informs Roger that she sees Pegye in a narrow room, with creaky wheels under it, hay on the floor, surrounded by other women who look similar to her. This is too much for Roger, who doesn't believe in coincidence. Now deeply concerned for Pegye's safety, Roger does an in-depth net-search of old railroad cattle lines in Arizona, and finds that their nexus terminates near Area 52, an isolated and cave-filled area. There is a Haliburton research mega-plex in the area, and access is restricted by the government.

After further research reveals that approximately every three months women with a specific hair color have gone missing in certain locales – blonde in the summer, red in the fall, brown in the spring, and black in the winter – Roger decides he must go after Pegye and solve the mystery. He cashes in his most recent SSI checks (one for alcohol, one for sex addiction) and gets a friend to provide him with additional funds by guaranteeing them against his annual EITC (Earned Income Tax Credit) check. With resources now provided for, and map in hand, Roger immediately sets out for the West.

Roger reaches Arizona, finds the old RR cattle train tracks and begins following them. Though supposedly not used since the late 1900's, he finds evidence of more recent use. Since no roads follow the tracks, he abandons his car and proceeds by foot. During the night he has the feeling he is being observed, perhaps by government agents. He finally meets his observers: SANDY, a Bigfoot so-named for his desert coloration, and his friend, EDDIE, a homeless Iraq war vet who shares Sandy's cave. After Ed and Sandy determine that Roger is not an agent for Haliburton, and he too listens to "Coast To Coast AM" in order to skirt mainstream media propaganda, they become his friends and quickly agree to help him with his quest: they know a short-cut to the Haliburton facility. However, they warn him, the facility is not only a black-op government research center for such things as Katrina hurricane generators.  It also provides access to a cave and tunnel complex that houses the reptilian aliens who control the puppet government now in power. They inform him that unlike the Grays, from the Pleiades -- who love children, have a great sense of humor, and only want to help mankind progress in its spiritual growth -- the shape-shifting reptilians are from Sirius, a bad neighborhood if ever there was one. After destroying Mars and eating its inhabitants, they infested earth and made a deal with the government of the United States to trade technology for a steady human food supply. The problem of  human-eating alien infestation is at a crisis point, says Sandy, and explains that Idi Amin, Jeffery Dahmer, and a certain soccer team who had a cannibal party in the Andes, were all shape-shifting reptilians.

As the trio undertake the surveillance of the Haliburton facility in order to devise a plan to rescue Pegye and the others, they discover they are not alone. They uncover HAMMED MOHAMMAD, a Palestinian freedom fighter who has escaped the clutches of Haliburton agents, who contract with the CIA to conduct torture sessions on innocent Arabs under the guise of fighting terrorism. Hammed has a thorough knowledge of the Haliburton layout and points out the weak points in its security system.  He is very eager to assist them in their attack on their Western imperialist brothers who work for industrial corporations and their media slaves, such as FOX news and Rush Limbaugh.

After observing the changing shifts of security guards, the trio realizes that all of the security force looks exactly alike! Hammed informs them that this is because part of the research facility is a cloning plant for Vice President Dick Cheney. All of the guards are Cheney's exact duplicate and are genetically encoded with the same degree of fanaticism.The problem of when to attack is resolved when the security force hears the religiously diligent Hammed shouting  his evening prayers.   Due to the cruel torture he suffered at the hands of his Halliburton interogators -- who locked him in a room for three days while "Peter Frampton Live" was played at 90 decibels over loud speakers -- Hammed now says his prayers very loudly. They leave the compound in force and attack Roger and his friends. Fortunately for Roger and his friends, due to a cruel genetic twist of fate, the Cheney security guards are not only uniformly bad shots, but when startled have a tendency to suffer a fatal cardiac infarction.

With Hammed leading the way, they penetrate Cheney's Haliburton lair and save the batch of blonde women, just in the nick of time, as Pegye was scheduled to become the dame de jour for the hungry reptilians. As the ravishingly hungry reptilians attack, Eddie covers his friends' retreat by desperately scooping out ladle after ladle of scalding hot lentil soup to fling at the reptilians. Though his friends make their way to safety, Eddie does not. Outside, finally safe, Sandy explains to the others that Eddie had been carrying a great burden of guilt, which was expunged by his act of self-sacrifice; while high on drugs in Iraq, he had once ‘whacked’ a female lieutenant he didn't like.

Epilogue

Even though Pegye is grateful to Roger for saving her life, she confesses that she has developed a strong attraction to Sandy. "The beast in Sandy," she explains to Roger, "brings out the woman in me." Sandy and Pegye hurriedly retire to his cave to consummate their new relationship. Roger respects her decision. He and Hammed realize that they must now be on the run to avoid capture by the Bush administration. They decide to throw their lot in together – and find that a strong mutual chemistry exists between them. Together, Roger and Hammed move to Hugo Chavez’s utopia in Venezuela. Here, Roger finds a position as a part time teacher. He and Hammed adopt several malnourished African children, and they all live happily ever after.

Edward Calsutta/agent
Plethora Literary Agency, Ltd.
133 E. 35th St., Suite 14
New York, NY 10016

Re: recent submission/synopsis

Dear Mr. Richards:

Loved the synopsis for "The Sky Is A Lonely Place." Great stuff. It bubbles with believability. The only change I'd suggest is perhaps turning Eddie into a transgender African-American. Just a thought. How soon can I get a detailed outline and the first fifty pages? I will be at the West Coast Publishers Convention in six weeks, and would love to have more on "Sky" to place with some prospective publishers.

On the strength of the synopsis I've also included two copies of our standard literary contract in this package. Please sign both and return one to my office.

Congratulations,

Edward Calsutta

Plethora Literary Agency, Ltd.

Washington, D.C. – Shock . . .
Many in the nation today are mourning the tragic and unexpected death of President Hillary Clinton. Over the weekend Hillary, as we've come to know and love her, slipped on a bar of soap in the shower and suffered a fatal head injury. Her beloved husband, former president Bill Clinton, was alone with her at the time of the accident. "Gosh, darn," the bereaved former president said to reporters, "I, uh, tried to help her up, then she slipped again. That’s why there’s a couple of bruises on her skull. Say, Congress oughta do something about soap," he added.

An investigator for the National Parks Service said he was completely satisfied with Mr. Clinton’s answers and that the case was closed.

Washington, D.C. – And Awe
In an unrelated story, early this morning lawyers acting on behalf of former president Clinton filed an action in the federal courts asserting the right of Spousal Succession to the president’s office. According to court papers, Mr. Clinton’s former national security advisor, Sandy Berger – whose security status had fortunately recently been restored -- uncovered documents in the National Archives, written by no less than founding father Thomas Jefferson, asserting that Spousal Succession was vital to the constitution. However, according to Berger, these papers were deliberately misplaced by Jefferson’s brooding African-American house maid who was mad at her ‘baby’s-daddy’, until his fortunate discovery of them.

Former CBS newsman and intellect of note, Dan Rather, a friend of both Clinton and Berger, said, "I've personally seen the documents in question, and the Remington typeface leaves no room for doubt as to their authenticity. I'd stake my reputation as an objective reporter on it."

Former president Clinton’s Attorney General, Janet Reno, who was contacted in Florida where she was filming a ‘So Safe" razor blade commercial with actor Michael J. Fox, also gave her considered legal opinion on the matter, saying, quote, "Tha tha tha tha that sss sss ssss ssss sounds ah ah ah ah about ri ri ri ri right tah tah tah tah me." Shortly afterwards, Ms. Reno accidentally cut herself and Michael J. Fox with a ‘So Safe’ razor and both had to be taken to a local hospital for treatment. Unfortunately, in spite of the excellent emergency care provided Ms. Reno by a team of doctors of Cuban descent, her cut pinky finger proved to be fatal.

Russia – Gay Policy In The Military Clarified
In other news, the Russian Army, in reaction to the American army’s official "Don't ask, don't tell," policy on gays in the military, instituted an official "Don't do ass, and Don't do tail" policy. (Speaking on behalf of the Kremlin, Comrade General Poffkoshski noted that, as with the policy of the British, the Navy, especially all those sailors who wear those cute bell bottoms, would be excepted.)

France – Gay Policy In The Military Modified
In direct contrast, the French Army has just finished year one of it’s experimental and controversial "Do ass and do tail," policy. Over a lavish breakfast of croissants, green cheese, and three types of heavy sauce, General Leray’ de Sosou, public liaison for the French military, exclaimed in heavily accented English, "Sacre le blue! Nout onlee has dhesse polo-see resulted in moor contented sold-jahs, but you should zee zee parade grounds! You could eat oft them. And you would not believe how polished zee canon barrels are! And zee new soldiers we are getting . . . they just love zee military discipline now."

North Korea – The International Environmental Movement Suffers A Setback
By boat, by plane, on bicycle and on foot, tens of thousands of dedicated, idealistic and unemployed Greenpeace protestors descended on North Korea this weekend to object to that country’s expansion of its nuclear program and the impact on the environment its careless disposal of nuclear waste was having. The delegation of Greener protesters was so numerous that it was said to have virtually depleted the West’s brain trust of youthful persons vital to . . . well, protesting various things.

Many were surprised Friday when North Korea’s leader, the honorable Kim Jong-il, ordered the nation’s boarders open to the Greeners. However, come Saturday afternoon -- due to an absence of hollering, whining, sign-waving, cavorting, un-syncopated drumming, chanting and sloganeering on the streets of Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea – a few concerned persons in the media became curious about the Greeners’ absence.

"Pyongyang is a dangerous and desperate city," a CNN reporter said at a hastily organized press conference. "In fact, due to your squandering of the country’s resources on nuclear research, many of its citizens are starving in the streets."

A spokesperson for North Korea said there was no hunger problem in the city, and suggested to the reporters that the protestors had perhaps taken a wrong turn into China. But to many in the press his answer did not settle the matter. When one reporter pressed him about the whereabouts of the Greenpeace people, Honorable Leader Kim, a known buff on American movies, stepped to the front of the podium and said somewhat cryptically, "Don't you mean the Soylent Greenpeace people?" After which, to demonstrate that there was no hunger problem in North Korea, he invited members of the media to a sumptuous banquet at his palace.

Iran – Yet More Mysterious Disappearances
In a eerie parallel to events in North Korea, an international gathering of student and professional protesters that was scheduled to take place this week in Iran’s capital city of Tehran did not come off. Though thousands of protesters seemed to be flooding the city during the weekend, not one showed up for the protest of Iran’s nuclear policy that was scheduled to take place in front of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's palace Sunday morning.

When asked what he thought had happened to the throng of protestors, a smiling and unflappable President Ahmadinejad, shrugged his shoulders, waved his hands expressively in the air, and told reporters, "What students? What protesters? All’s right with the world, Allah be praised."

When pushed on the subject by a skeptical FOX news reporter, Ahmadinejad added. "But if anything unfortunate did happen to them, like, say . . . just hypothetically, mind you . . . if it turns out that they were poisoned by Saran nerve gas and their bodies placed in a mass grave somewhere on the outskirts of Tehran, then I suspect the Jews are behind it."

The United States – Group Protests Unfair Treatment By Capital Police
Meanwhile, this weekend in the United States – where public outrage is a considered a virtue and protesting a cheap weekend’s entertainment – members of the American Masochist Society gathered en masse again in front of the White House to protest the lenient way the Capital Police treated them in last week’s protest.  AMS spokesperson, Kelly O’Rouke, explained to our Paxety correspondent in Washington, "We will not stand for this deprivation of our constitutional right to the pursuit of happiness! Now, will you spank me, please? Harder! Harder, you imperialist dog . . . "

In her new autobiography, professional whiner Rosie O'Donnell
 identifies her arch nemesis and the true source of her victimhood.

OK, Mahone, top that.  Take the test here.

This tribute was put up only days later.  It's moved around some, but the link is now current.