Paxety Pages

Jimmy Carter

1924–2005

Dead – Finally

Late President Jimmy Carter, seen here in happier times with friends as they visited the elephant exhibit at the Atlanta Zoo and watched as he tried to answer the ages-old philosophical question How many peanuts can you pack in a pachyderm’s anus?

PPI: Mahone Dunbar

Plains, Georgia

Eighty-one year old former President Jimmy Carter, the 39^th president of the United States, passed away in his sleep this morning at his home in Plains, Georgia.

Dr. Harold Hawkins, Carter’s personal physician, said that the ex-president died of severe systemic feces infestation. "Anybody who knew him can tell you this was a problem Jimmy wrestled with all of his life. It was hereditary; Miz Lillian had it, too, as did his brother, Billy, who tried to ameliorate his symptoms with alcohol. But it's a chronic condition, and you can't walk around with something like that forever and not have it catch up with you eventually. It finally just overwhelmed President Carter. You see this kind of thing a lot in politicians, but President Carter had it much worse than most. It's extremely rare," he added, "to see someone actually explode from it the way he did."

As news of Carter's death made the rounds this morning, comments and tributes from friends and supporters began pouring in from around the world.

From his jail cell in Iraq, Saddam Hussein was effusive in his praise of President Carter:

"Though I'm not a fan of American imperialists, in any form, I must admit that President Carter did much on Iraq's behalf. It was due to the Carter administration that my 1980 invasion of Iran was possible. The Carter Administration placed Iran under a worldwide arms embargo, preventing them from obtaining weapons and spare parts to defend themselves, and also froze their foreign currency assets. Why? It was Carter that pulled the rug from under the Shah of Iran and allowed the Mullahs to take control in the first place. Then, the Ayatollah Khomeini spit in his face by taking American hostages at the American Embassy in Tehran. In a sense, you can say that the current destabilization in the area, the loss of million of lives lost in the Iraq/Iran war, the ascendancy of radical Islam in the area, and even Gulf Wars I and II, are directly related to Carter's actions. He took Iran from staunch American ally to being its dedicated foe. As well, I am personally indebted to him for his attempt to intervene, in 1991, and stop the first Gulf War by secretly lobbying the presidents of the United Nations Security Council nations, and the heads of Arab nations, in an attempt to scuttle the building of a coalition to defeat Iraq. His efforts were much appreciated by myself and my late sons. I only wish he had had as much credibility with the American people as he did with the Arab states."

Former President William Jefferson Clinton:

"I remember when I was bogged down in that mess in Somalia, you know, with 18 dead American soldiers, with video of their bodies being dragged through the streets and desecrated and all that  - heck, that doesn't play at the polls. People got a little hot about that. But Dick and Hillary both told me, no way I would survive the press heat if I got into a long-term shooting war with black Africans, see. Well, Jimmy messed around in that by helping disguise an American rout as a peace deal. I mean, my butt was out there, hanging in the wind, until he took some of the heat off. God bless him. See, Jimmy had a history with Mohamed Farah Aideed, the local warlord; when his critics say he never met a third-world dictator he didn't like, they ain’t just whistling Dixie. Funny thing is, we found out later, all Aideed had was 10 second-hand jeeps. Heck, I could have sent the New Orleans police department in against them. Ain't that a hoot."

Yaslim Hafaifah, spokesman for the family of the late Yasser Arafat said:

"President Carter not only verified that the Palestinian election of Yasser Arafat was ‘well organized, open and fair,’ but he justified our use of suicide bombers, saying it was one of the few ways for us to retaliate against our tormentor, dramatize the suffering of our people, and a means of becoming a martyr. He even helped write speeches for Mr. Arafat. Whether you agree with all of his statements or not, you have to admit that the suicide bombings are very dramatic, indeed."

Fidel Castro, revolutionary leader for life of Cuba, said:

"When the imperialist gringos of el norteamerica suggested the Cuban people were developing biological weapons, it was amigo Jimmy Carter who said the United States was lying, since he had personally spoken to Cuban scientists - in my presence - who of course denied the charges. Coño, he was like a brother to me."

Kim Jung II, Great Leader of North Korea:

"It was former president Jimmy Carter, acting unofficially, who came to my father, Honorable Leader, Kim II Sung, in 1994 to arrange a non-proliferation agreement - getting us to halt our nuclear program in exchange for substantial aid from the U.S. When reporters asked him if he though we would keep our word he . . . excuse me for smiling, I am happily reflecting on the many accomplishments of Honorable Jimmy Carter . . . said that was not for him to judge. President Carter also told the world that he did not consider North Korea an outlaw state, a repressive regime, and that he found my father - whom he kissed on the lips when meeting - a vigorous and intelligent leader. And while U.S. intelligence reports said that starvation stalked the people of North Korea, reducing many to eating grass to stay alive, President Carter took a government arranged guided tour of our land and concluded that things were actually fine. The fact that North Korea is today a nuclear power and a player on the world stage is primarily due to the intervention of President Carter on our behalf."

Space precludes a more detailed list of the late President’s accomplishments, but it is sufficient to say that he counted among his friends many of the world's notable leaders, including Yugoslavia's Marshall Tito, Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceausescu, Haitian dictator Lt. Gen. Raoul Cederas, Sandanista Daniel Ortega in Nicaragua, and the aforementioned Yasser Arafat. Standing outside the Carter home in Plains, Georgia, one of the crowd of perhaps a dozen dry-eyed mourners who had spontaneously gathered, summarized the former president's impact on the world, saying, "President Carter's overall political philosophy seemed to be expressed best by his firm belief that ‘Withdrawal is peace.’ If only America had had a man like him in World War II, we would probably live in a better world today."

Another mourner added, "I think his greatest contribution was that he let people know that America didn't always want to fight, and that if the leader of another country actually felt strongly enough about their position to engage in violence, then America was not too proud to withdraw in favor of the little guy. This gave hope to many third-world leaders of , let's say, pre-democratic countries. Personally, I just don't know how we're going to cope with a world without a Jimmy Carter in it. But we'll manage somehow, I'm sure."

"Other highlights in Carter's extensive political career," the Carter family spokesperson noted, "include our withdrawal from the 1980 Olympics (people tend to forget what a potent weapon that was in ending the cold war), how the Marielito boat lifts on his watch brought thousands of worthy Cubans to our shores, and how he personally rid America of the burdensome and strategically worthless Panama Canal. People should not forget these things this humble peanut farmer did."

It was announced earlier today that pallbearers for Carter's funeral will include Daniel Ortega and several other luminaries of the Third World. The procession will also include a PLO honor guard.