Paxety Pages

(Remotely Viewed News From Parallel Dimensions)

PPI–Mahone Dunbar

Now that Chief Justice John Roberts has been sworn in, Democrat leaders are in a quandary about what to do with the upcoming nomination of yet another seat on the Supreme Court.

During the Judge Roberts proceedings, the worst epithet that Democrats on the committee could come up with was that he was a shameless ‘over-achiever;’ further, he had no quality experiences with the poor, the black, or other diverse people, and no life challenges - such as a clubfoot, psoriasis, or an embarrassing stutter - that allowed him to relate to ‘the people.’ Yet in spite of his short-comings as an over-achiever with a keen legal mind, vast experience, and a spotless judicial record, he will sit on and preside over the Supreme Court next session.

Though Roberts’ exemplary moral character was a minor impediment for Democrat committee members, a major impediment was his lack of normal moral burdens (such as guilt over leaving a young woman to slowly drown in a submerged automobile), which a lot of senators apparently think the average American should identify with.

However, the major reservation about Judge Roberts was expressed by Senator Durbin, who, showing uncharacteristic Democrat religious fervor, summed up democrat reservations about Roberts when he quoted the Bible and lamented the he could not discern whether Judge Roberts had "an understanding heart."

No heart? That would certainly explain Roberts' lack of empathy.

Reacting to Roberts' lack of an understanding heart, House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi had a Zogby poll conducted among Democratic voters to determine who best could supply ‘heart’ and empathy to the Supreme Court, and relate to the poor, the black, the disenfranchised, and the diverse. When I reached Pelosi at her Washington offices, she explained that "The poll was nearly unanimous: we came to the conclusion that Mother Teresa was the perfect candidate for the Supreme Court; she is selfless, almost pathologically empathic, has been around and is very familiar with poor people with diverse experiences, and unquestionably has a heart of gold. And she is not an over-achiever, at least in the accepted sense of the term."

"But isn't Mother Teresa . . . "

"Dead. Of course. But that was only a minor setback. We've hired psychic speaker-to-the-dead John Edward to channel her spirit."

"So . . . John Edward will actually be your perfect Supreme Court candidate?"

"A combination of John and Mother Teresa, actually. He’s already contacted her for us and we vetted her. She seems very excited about getting on the court and shredding the United States Constitution. And though John will be speaking for her, she will be making all the decisions."

I then reminded Ms. Pelosi that Mother Teresa was a Religious Roman Catholic, and asked her if she had quizzed Mother Teresa on her stance on abortion, i.e., the possibility of overturning Roe v. Wade?

"Catholic . . Oh, shit!"

I then contacted psychic John Edward and asked him to comment on the situation. Mr. Edward said, "I sense a hospital visit for someone in your family recently . . . or someone you consider as family . . . or perhaps someone who has a connection to your family, maybe even somebody someone in your family has met; it could possibly be a father–or a father figure–or an older neighbor or acquaintance. It concerns a pain in the stomach, or lower extremities–maybe even in the legs. I'm getting the vibe of a name that starts with a J, maybe Jeff, or Joe, or John, or James, or Jerry, or . . . "