Paxety Pages

Saturday night, in Flushing Meadows-Corona Park in Queens, as part of a religious crusade, eighty-six year-old Reverend Billy Graham delivered what many believe may be one of his last sermons. During the event he welcomed Bill and Hillary Clinton on stage with effusive praise and joked that the accused-rapist, proven liar, sexual abuser of interns, waster of good cigars and "depends on what the meaning of is, is," former president, Bill Clinton, should become an evangelist and let wife Hillary run the country!

Also, in an attempt to broaden the appeal of his message to young people, Graham made numerous references to pop icons and institutions, including Madonna, Bono and MTV. He also wove a parable based on Star Wars: Episode III. A press release coincident with the crusade noted that among Graham's many physical problems he has fluid on the brain. As if anyone couldn't have guessed that.

From the world of science

Also, Saturday night, scientists around the world were besieged with calls about a strange ululation that echoed around the planet several times. Geophysicists stationed at Los Alamos National Research Center, using advanced sonic detection equipment and a bank of serially-linked supercomputers, finally determined that the noise had been made by Satan. The Prince of Darkness - who had apparently been watching the Graham Crusade on cable - was howling with joy.

From the world of politics

The leading contenders in the "I-suck-o-thon"
warm up backstage for their turns on the I-suck-o-meter

Your Paxety Pages reporter was on hand recently at a Democrat fund raiser and fun fest held at the Ramada Inn Ballroom in downtown Hollywood. The highlight of the event was the annual Linda Lovelace memorial "I-suck-o-thon." This is one of the most anticipated events of the year, a spokesperson for Howard Dean said.  Dean, last year's hands-down winner, was not on hand for the event this year, leaving the path clear for other leading Democrats, such as Albert Gore and John Kerry.

Judge Ward Churchill, sporting a native-American headdress

The judge of the I-suck-o-thon, embattled University of Colorado College Prof. Ward Churchill, A.K.A. Chief Gapping Mouth, A.K.A., I - am - not -an - Indian - though - I -  play - one - in - academia, when asked by the press who sucked more, Kerry or Gore, declined to answer, and said that he would have to check some other research and get back to them later. Churchill seemed more interested in showing off his latest original art work to the press, a mural called "The Last Powwow," which depicts thirteen native American men - one central figure with six on each side, wearing robes, feathered headdresses and war paint, sitting around a long table and having a last supper on the plains. To this correspondent, however, Gore was the clear winner, beating Kerry by a mile - or was that nine inches?

President Bush's vision for a new Gunsmoke, featuring himself
as Marshal Matt Dillon, Condi Rice as Miss Kitty and Corky as sidekick Festus
 Mahone Studios

In Washington, President George W. Bush recently shared some thoughts about life after the presidency with reporters. The president announced that he would like to star in a revival of the popular long-running TV western, Gunsmoke. The president had apparently given the matter much thought. "As far as casting," the President said, "ah, instead of a Chester, I'd have somebody in one of those uh, . . . rolling chairs, you know. For ah, diversity. In the role of Festus,  I'd like to have one of those little Down's syndrome kids for a sidekick . . . like that Corky. He was cute as the dickens. Maybe, uh, you know .. . . even bring some diversity of folk into Dodge; Condoleezza Rice would make a colorful Miss Kitty. You see. Diversity. And maybe that Indian professor guy, what's his name? Churchill? As Quint. I hear he'll be looking for a job soon."

When asked by a reporter what appealed most to him about the role of Matt Dillon, Bush replied, "Well, ah, you see, times were simple back then: no press or opinion poles to deal with, and you weren't expected to consult the Frogs or the Nazis. Matt's basic philosophy was simple; when you meet a bad guy, you shoot 'em, see, say something pithy, then go have a beer with Miss Kitty. There's something appealing in that."

When reminded that he no longer drank, the president blushed, asked the reporter if he knew of any cowboys in wheelchairs, then passed out some photos he'd had made of him as a re-envisioned Matt Dillon before wandering off.