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Republicans Suck And Other Depressing News
Wednesday, May 31, 2006   By: Mahone Dunbar

A look at recent actions of the United States Senate

Republicans suck. This is not news to a lot of you, I'm sure, but I'm angst ridden to finally realize that conservatives in America have no friends left in the United States Senate.

Choosing between republican or democrat rule is now like choosing between a fast-acting cancer or a slow-acting brain tumor. Both are going to kill you eventually; the difference is merely the amount of time left you are allotted. Prior to the stance of Senate Republicans on the current immigration legislation, I thought we might make it to collective retirement, or possibly even a recovery; but now, America, as we've know it, is at the hospice of history on a slow morphine drip. The New America will be a cabal of ethnic regions, a third-world economy struggling along as a socialist welfare state and overseen by a fractured-along-lines-of-self-interest bureaucracy that will make the United Nations a model of efficiency by comparison. By the year 2030, Chelsea Clinton Clinton will be president of the United States and Amy Carter her Vice President and life partner. The only good news is that there will most likely be no Republican faces in the government of the future.

When it comes to pandering to the electorate, I assumed the Republicans were equal to the task, as the democrats are; however, how do you explain, aside from the exception of high-level political blackmail that may be going on, (remember the purloined FBI files the Clintons had for long enough to extract juicy info on opponents), the republican aristocracy caving-in on the illegal immigration issue by endorsing legislation which 80% of Americans (and perhaps 99% of republican voters) are solidly against? It defies the logic of acting in one's self interest, or acting in the interest of your constituency. Blackmail seems the only viable answer for such suicidal political intransigency. Obviously the republicans can not be willingly adding to the political base of the democrat party while at the same time betraying their own political base. So, my question is: does anyone out there know what web site I can go to so as to view the pictures of the republican hierarchy frolicking with the underage male hosts at last year's NAMBLA convention?

This weekend I caught the Senate Majority Leader, Republican Bill First, on FOX news. As First slithered around in his seat, discarding worn scales in the process, I was treated to fifteen minutes of double-speak and blather. After turning off the TV and delivering a ten minute tirade against the republicans to my wife and two equally puzzled cats, my only thought was of sending Senator First a free ticket for a tour through scenic Dealey Plaza in a four-door convertible Lincoln Continental–preferably on the same weekend that the Lee Harvey Oswald Memorial Society and Gun Club is scheduled to hold its annual convention there. When it comes to smarmy, this smug, self-deluding bastard could give Bill Clinton a run for the money.

Following the well-worn path of artful double-speak trod smooth by the democrats (The Earned Income Tax Credit is not welfare. Why not? Because the democrats decided not to call it welfare), First said repeatedly that the immigration bill under consideration by the senate was not an amnesty bill. Why not? Because, silly, Republicans were not calling it amnesty.

Senator First, apparently struggling in the final rounds of his political career and not to swift on his debate legs, said the United States needed the Mexican guest-worker force for such things as the farming industry and the entertainment industry. Perdon Senor? I immediately tapped the Babel Fish in my ear to see if the translation from Politico to English had been garbled. Was he seriously saying we don't have enough fucking Mariachi bands in the US!? Well, as an devote of Mexican cuisine, who cringes whenever the guys with the big hats, big smiles, big moustaches, and big guitars start strolling toward my table, I beg to differ.

First's tag line was, "We've got to do what's right for the America people." He should have added: "In spite of what they think is good for America." Let me clue you in, Senator: most Americans I know are not eager for more farm workers and more Mariachi bands. And why does what is " . . . right for the American people," seem to be more what is right for the Mexican people? First also went over the key elements in the Guest Worker Program, which included the 12 Million illegal aliens going back down to a designated place on the border and registering. At this point I went from perplexed to astounded. Now, excuse me for being rationally obstinate, but isn't this the problem in the first place? That the illegal aliens do not follow the law. It does not take a degree in Aristotlean logic to realize the flaw here: If they haven't obeyed the law in the first place--and the United States government is admitting that they can't enforce current law because of the sheer numbers involved - why the hell do Republican lawmakers think 12 million illegal aliens are going to suddenly, and voluntarily, obey their new laws? I guess we'll just hope the 12 million illegal aliens will be on their best behavior after the amnesty legislation goes into effect. ("Oh, si. Sure Esse, sure. I'll drop by and register next Cinco de Mayo when I go down to Guadalajara to pick up the rest of my family and bring them back . . . uh, I mean, they been here in the US for five years, you know.)

And why, oh why, doesn't the Senate put the same kind of teeth in the enforcement of the IRS codes as they do immigration law. I, for one, would love voluntary compliance applied here.

First says he plans to retire soon. I only wish that I was a voter in Tennessee. I'd do my best to make sure he retied early. God, just realized Al Gore and Bill First are both from Tennessee. I guess now we know where to place the next nuclear waste dump site.


(c)1968- today j.e. simmons or michael warren