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Beach Blanket Burqua: A Movie Review From The Future
Sunday, July 10, 2005   By: Mahone Abdul Mohammed

A Movie Review From The Future

In honor of the tenth anniversary of the takeover of decadent imperialist America and the fall of the West, the Taliban film board has extended the privileges of Islamowood, in lovely California, to include the making of more fun films which reflect proper Islamic values for young persons.

Beach Blanket Burqua

2015 (c)

Produced by Semitar Studios

Young Frankie (played by Frankie Mohammed) a dashing young man of thirty-nine, and his clan enjoy going to the beach to read the Koran, keep an eye on their offshore oil rigs, intimidate infidels and Jews, and watch the camel races. Annette (played by Annette Ibn Swahara) and her friends also want to see the camel races on the beach, but can not since all their male relatives are currently off in India blowing up Hindu temples and therefore cannot accompany them. Annette, by enticing him with a flash of ankle, convinces a local crazy man (played by Tim Robbins) to pretend to be her uncle, Usama. But because Usama is crazy the Taliban culture guard on the beach quickly spots the women's ruse and, to the amusement of everyone on the beach, puts a pleading Usama to death by the sword.

Once their evil subterfuge is discovered, Frankie and his friends, who are busy playing goat's-head volleyball, beat the women senseless; however, Frankie is titillated by Annette's provocative off-black Burqua and whips her less harshly than she deserves. Meanwhile, Eric Von Mohammed, the camel jockey, and his boisterous western-influenced friends show up and try to impress the still weeping women by racing their camels around the beach. Eric taunts Frankie into having a camel race with him. Then Eric cheats by having his henchman stuff a hot coal up the rear of Frankie's camel, causing it to bellow wildly and cavort crazily about the beach while defecating on Jewish sunbathers. After Frankie is thrown to the beach, Eric's camel's hoof kicks sand on the hem of Frankie's robe, causing Frankie, of course, to demand satisfaction for his besmirched honor. After strong words are tossed about a fight ensues but is stopped because of afternoon prayer time. Before leaving the beach, Eric Von Mohammed puts a Fatwa on Frankie and Frankie puts a Fatwa on Eric. After this there is much hilarity as Frankie and Eric's blood feud progresses to its predictable end. In one hilarious scene, Frankie manages to surprise Eric's father while he is making his morning ablutions and disembowels him, then, attempting revenge for this, Eric's bumbling top henchman, Bingo Mohammed (Played with gritty realism by Mohammed Muhammed Mohammed) attempts a suicide bombing on Frankie's hangout but accidentally blows himself up on the beach, taking out the volleyball team and several sunbathers.

Meanwhile, stirred by unnatural desires he's never felt before, Frankie trades twelve goats to Annette's father for her hand in marriage. But before Annette is told of Frankie's intentions she accidentally shows a flash of ankle which Ayatollah Bob - who just happens to be peering though her bedroom window in an effort to ferret out decadent Western-style misbehavior - sees. Then, in one of the funniest scenes in the movie, Frankie and Annette's father lead the goats into the backyard just in time to see Ayatollah Bob chop off Annette's head. The look of disappointment on Frankie's face is priceless.

Disconsolate over the loss - and upset over the fact that Annette's father will not return his goats - Frankie returns to the beach where his friends try to cheer him up by tossing gasoline on stray dogs and burning them alive. Frankie then perks up and continues the blood feud with Eric Von Mohammed. Much hilarity and buffoonery results as their blood feud is extended through the rest of the movie until, finally, Frankie and Eric face off on the beach.

Just as they draw their swords and are about to attack each other, ocean spray caused by a boogie-board wielded by a disrespectful wave-riding infidel child splashes on the hems of their robes. Justly enraged at this deadly insult, Eric and Frankie both skewer him; then, as the blood from the hapless western whelp drains down their sword blades and soaks the sleeves of their robes, they realize the folly of Islamic brothers fighting each other when so many infidels remain alive. The two, now laughing joyously, are joined by their clans as they began slaughtering every infidel on the beach. After the purge, as they clean their blades, Eric reveals that he has an unmarriageable sister he is desperate to be shed of. Frankie, still experiencing his strange desires, buys Eric's sister for only a dozen chickens. Frankie and Eric end their blood feud, reconcile and decide to join forces. After convincing some unbearded youths to make a pilgrimage to Israel to suicide bomb a Zionist orphanage, the two relax on the beach and watch their offshore oil rigs as the sun sets.



Frankie . . . . . . . . Frankie Mohammed

Annette . . . Annette Ibn Swahara

Jiggles the Western slut. . . . . . . . .Madonna Mohammed

Eric Von Mohammed . . . . . . Alben Ismael Mohammed

Mohammed Abrahim . . . . . Mohammed Abrahim Mohammed

Johhny Waverider . . . Abdula Mullah

Big Al . . . . . . Mamuon Mohammed Alben Warif

Bingo . . . Mohammed Muhammed Mohammed

Ayatolla Bob . . . Sean Penn Mohammed

Various beach goers . . . Jews and other infidels not worthy of naming

* Special guest star, Tim Robbins as Usama The Crazy Man

And introducing Craggy, the amazing burping camel


Produced in conjunction with the Department of Culture and the Supreme Ruling Council of Ideology working under the authority of Inman Benwabba El Mohammed.

Camels and burning dogs furnished by Mecca Stables

Produced and Distributed by Jacobs, Weinstein & Levitz, Inc.


(c)1968- today j.e. simmons or michael warren